Walking Through Mountains With The Feckin Worst: A Hobbits Tale, by Mary Murphy

  1. Meet Tank and Effie.
  2. They are obsessed with me.
  3. And they're the. Fucking. Worst.
  4. Because taking them on a freaking walk is actually harder than the journey to Mordor.
  5. Here they are freaking out because they smell their own pee on the mail boxes they literally pee on every single day.
  6. Here he is literally sticking his nose in his own shit from yesterday.
    I am leaning back with my whole body. Bulldogs are the worst.
  7. Meanwhile heres this little shit not wanting to come because she wants to swim in the feckin creek.
  8. Here's her literally calling me a bitch for not letting her swim in the creek.
  9. Here are the cows that kept on following us down the road.
  10. Here's the dog freaking me out because she hears something in the woods and it's probably a fucking bear.
  11. A bears probably in there somewhere.
  12. Here's me reallllllly not prepared to deal with a fuckin black bear today.
  13. Here's me cursing the old gods and the new because gods forbid we make it up a hill without me having to drag their asses.
  14. But I guess the view is worth it.
  15. Even if they are the feckin worst.