WAYS I WOULD LIKE TO DIE, WHEN THE TIME COMES
@joemurphy you know not of what you ask, brother.
- •Taking a bullet for the Beckham family.
- •Angelina Jolie stabbing me but at the same time she's like crying while she does it and is like whispering into my ear "I'm so sorry Mary. I'm so sorry. Shhh. Shhhhh."
- •Suffocation because there is no way in hell I'll be coming up for air when I make out with Chris Hemsworth.
- •Drowning. In a sea of Lil Debbies.
- •Melting a la Ark of the Covenant. Because I got too close to Beyonce's divinity and stared into her eyes for too long.
- •Thirst. (See Christ Hemsworth list).
- •In Helen Mirren's arms.
- •Again, stabbing. Chloe G and I are in a final face off. I have the upper hand. I'm about to stab her...but I can't. Instead I bring the axe down right beside her head and scream. She's astonished. But then a knife sticks me from behind. Chloë goes all wide eyed. I freeze then turn dramatically to see my murderer. Its non other than Kiernan Shipka.Chloë screams "NOOOOOOOO" as I look into Kiernan Shipka's eyes a la Braveheart betrayal scene and breath my last breath and fall. My blood turning the snow black a la Jon Snow death.
- •Being hit by JESSICA CHASTAIN's car. As I am launched into the air by impact everything goes in slow motion. I know my fate. I close my eyes and the clouds part as light from above shines down upon my face. JESSICA CHASTAIN has blessed me with her touch. "I go to Valhalla now" is what I say right before I hit the ground in a brutal impact.It takes me 6 hours to die.
- •As a 117 year old woman. I watched a YouTube video of a baby eating a lemon for the first time. I start to laugh but then choke on a vanilla wafer. I've fallen and cant get up. Because I'm dead.