Shout out to my people holding it down on the Huntington and Ronkonkoma branches. Here are your LIRR All Stars.
  1. Well dressed adult male watching Dr. Doolittle 2 on his iPad.
  2. Enormous woman in dirty sweatpants discussing chicken farming on the phone for 35 minutes.
  3. Obese Alfred Molina lookalike with a John Waters mustache, snoring loudly, face mashed against the window.
  4. Guy on the platform at Woodside snot-rocketing what appeared to be ground turkey sausage onto the side of the train.
  5. Guy in standard issue khaki/light blue Oxford shirt commuter uniform with one hoop earring and James Traficant hair.
  6. Stanley Crouch lookalike with Cee-Lo Green arms in a pinstripe suit watching his iPad with no headphones.
  7. Pockmarked love-child of Sheldon Adelson and John Catsimatidis happily doing impersonations of his family into his phone.
  8. Two young women in white jeans, working out wording for a potential wedding invitation, fixated on the word "soirée."
  9. Guy who looks a little like Tom Cruise, eating his own boogers.
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