REAL REASONS I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN
Not that getting drunk is EVER my fault...but...
- •I have made the powerful discovery that no matter how readily available the alcohol is, I'm actually voluntarily drinking it. It IS my fault after all. This is a really big deal. I feel partly cured already.
- •Despite what my friends say, I do not sound more like Adele/Celine when I'm drunk. It's just that everyone else has had that many drinks, too. Before, I would have blamed them for giving me Dutch courage. But since I discovered that getting drunk is my fault, I realise that I voluntarily murdered those poor songs. A sad but necessary realisation.
- •I have been known in the past to order really expensive bottles of champagne at the end of the night when I'm too gone to appreciate them. Not only is this a completely excessive waste of money and champagne, but it makes me look like a total nob.
- •Apart from when I drink, my diet is pretty basic. So my whole body screams WTAF???? for at least two days after the abominations I put in there either whilst drinking, straight after when most drunk or during the hangover period. New York Slice is not my friend, for example.
- •If I'm not with Mark, I get to a point where my phone goes in my bag and I forget to let him know I'm ok. This is my worst habit. It happens less and less, but it happens.
- •I smoke CIGARETTES. And that is SO BAD.
- •I tell MASSIVE lies to Uber drivers
- •I take far too many nurofen plus to manage my hangover
- •I'm terrified I'm going to get mouth or tongue cancer, or have organ failure
- •I panic for the next two days about what I said, what I spent, who I met and what they thought of me, did I run into anyone I know unexpectedly, whether or not Mark is annoyed with me, whether or not I told anyone I would do something I had absolutely no intention of doing (eg catching up, introducing them to someone, doing something work related)
- •I think I'm starting to look like and sound like a man.