REAL REASONS I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN

Not that getting drunk is EVER my fault...but...
  1. 1.
    I have made the powerful discovery that no matter how readily available the alcohol is, I'm actually voluntarily drinking it. It IS my fault after all. This is a really big deal. I feel partly cured already.
  2. 2.
    Despite what my friends say, I do not sound more like Adele/Celine when I'm drunk. It's just that everyone else has had that many drinks, too. Before, I would have blamed them for giving me Dutch courage. But since I discovered that getting drunk is my fault, I realise that I voluntarily murdered those poor songs. A sad but necessary realisation.
  3. 3.
    I have been known in the past to order really expensive bottles of champagne at the end of the night when I'm too gone to appreciate them. Not only is this a completely excessive waste of money and champagne, but it makes me look like a total nob.
  4. 4.
    Apart from when I drink, my diet is pretty basic. So my whole body screams WTAF???? for at least two days after the abominations I put in there either whilst drinking, straight after when most drunk or during the hangover period. New York Slice is not my friend, for example.
  5. 5.
    If I'm not with Mark, I get to a point where my phone goes in my bag and I forget to let him know I'm ok. This is my worst habit. It happens less and less, but it happens.
  6. 6.
    I smoke CIGARETTES. And that is SO BAD.
  7. 7.
    I tell MASSIVE lies to Uber drivers
  8. 8.
    I take far too many nurofen plus to manage my hangover
  9. 9.
    I'm terrified I'm going to get mouth or tongue cancer, or have organ failure
  10. 10.
    I panic for the next two days about what I said, what I spent, who I met and what they thought of me, did I run into anyone I know unexpectedly, whether or not Mark is annoyed with me, whether or not I told anyone I would do something I had absolutely no intention of doing (eg catching up, introducing them to someone, doing something work related)
  11. 11.
    I think I'm starting to look like and sound like a man.