A 45-Minute Brainstorm Re: How My Friend and I Are Co-Giving a Wedding Speech to Our Other Friend

All of @ktomsche and my ideas from a slightly-tipsy brainstorm session. Note: there is no scheduled wedding yet, just early-stage preparation. Feel free to comment some more ideas so we can make this speech the best it can be!
  1. 1.
    Trading off every other word
  2. 2.
    Like a script, including stage directions
  3. 3.
    Scored to a pre-timed soundtrack
  4. 4.
    Strictly in song lyrics
  5. 5.
    Say the whole thing in unison
    Bonus points for using "we" for all pronouns.
  6. 6.
    No words, just interpretive dance
  7. 7.
    Similarly: no words, just pantomiming
  8. 8.
    All hashtags
  9. 9.
    A live performance of Lizzie McGuire's "What Dreams are Made Of"
    Both slow and fast versions, complete with costume change.
  10. 10.
    "This is a story about a girl named Lucky..."
    To be honest, we don't really have an idea here, but the Britney Spears impression is vital.
  11. 11.
    In fact, just do the whole speech with a Britney Spears impersonation
  12. 12.
    In choir robes, inspired by all of our high school choir experiences
  13. 13.
    In Adidas Hype Man outfits
    Inspired by Happy Endings' bar mitzvah hype men. Religious dancing included.
  14. 14.
    In Broad City "Started from the Bottom" outfits
  15. 15.
    A rugby haka war dance
    A la the New Zealand All Blacks team
  16. 16.
    Make the speech a drinking game with established rules for all guests
  17. 17.
    In the form of a college lecture, Renae and Garrett History 101
    Accompanied with a PowerPoint/Prezi
  18. 18.
    Give our speech as a third set of vows during the wedding ceremony
  19. 19.
    The couple is Taylor Swift, @ktomsche is Kanye West interrupting their wedding, and I am Beyoncé in the audience listening in silent agreement.
    Content of speech TBD.
  20. 20.
    On rollerblades, roller derby style, most likely violent
  21. 21.
    The speech interrupts the DJ's set during reception. Crucial detail: we are also we are the DJs.
  22. 22.
    We dress in camouflage into the reception hall's decor
    Includes make-up!
  23. 23.
    The speech is given from a God microphone outside the hall, and no one knows where the ominous voices are coming from.
  24. 24.
    We give the speech from the vents and fall directly onto the wedding cake as our grand finale.
  25. 25.
    We hire a celebrity to read our speech while we perform as back-up dancers.
  26. 26.
    We come in on a swan and don't get out the whole speech.
    "Welcome to Me" style
  27. 27.
    Record a video of us talking in advance, then have a dialogue with the pre-taped video during the speech.
  28. 28.
    Write a musical about their couple history
    Optional: make all the characters dinosaurs in homage to a high school production of The Dinosaur Musical. (See: I Was in a Show Called The Dinosaur Musical, and This Is the Really Ridiculous Plot)
  29. 29.
    Recreate "Hamilton"
    To be clear, it's just writing the whole thing as a rap. Potentially with a stronger Pitbull influence.
  30. 30.
    Hire an improv troupe, and only @ktomsche and I give suggestions based on our friendship
  31. 31.
    Pull the fire alarm but refuse to evacuate
  32. 32.
    Recreate famous movie love scenes as the couple
    (e.g., "The Notebook," "Never Been Kissed," "A Cinderella Story")
  33. 33.
    We put our speech on a jigsaw puzzle and make them do it at their reception.
    No one leaves until it is done.
  34. 34.
    Use sock puppets
  35. 35.
    A flash mob with all of their ex-lovers to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"
  36. 36.
    Nothing but Bible passages to appease the bride's mother
    We love you, Janet!
  37. 37.
    Make a documentary with heavy usage of the Ken Burns effect
  38. 38.
    Hire a sky writer
    N.B. We don't know how payment works here, so we are guessing this version of the speech is about one sentence long.
  39. 39.
    Program a robot to give the speech and also bus the tables afterwards
  40. 40.
    Read from one of the following: Push (by Sapphire, inspiring the film "Precious"), Flowers in the Attic, A Child Called It, Fifty Shades of Grey, The Yellow Wallpaper, The Bell Jar
    Suggestions welcome!
  41. 41.
    Only "One Tree Hill" quotes
  42. 42.
    Dress up as Harry Potter characters and use magic wands on a smart board to make the speech visible
  43. 43.
    Do the speech as rounds of Charades/Pictionary
  44. 44.
    Host the Newlyweds Game, also make them compete against us (and the married couple will lose)
  45. 45.
    Frost the wedding cake on a livestream video and respond to questions submitted by wedding guests
  46. 46.
    Do the whole thing as a "repeat after me" exercise
  47. 47.
    Narrate a romantic comedy montage of their relationship
  48. 48.
    Dress up in Renaissance Festival garb, but we throw the tomatoes at them based on the outlandish things we say about them
  49. 49.
    Close the open bar while we drone on for an hour and get progressively drunker on the dais
  50. 50.
    Entirely screamed
  51. 51.
    Entirely whispered
  52. 52.
    Done as a slam poem
    Snapping, berets, and bongos encouraged.
  53. 53.
    Bake the "recipe for the perfect marriage" and feed them the result while we read the recipe
  54. 54.
    Don't say anything but look at our phones and randomly react with laughter or groans
  55. 55.
    Read the bride's entire Twitter history out loud
  56. 56.
    Furthermore, Facebook stalk them live and comment on major milestones/middle school pictures and comments that no one wants resurfaced
  57. 57.
    Orchestrate a white elephant gift exchange within the bridal party
    Make all bridesmaids and groomsmen open the gifts at the reception for all to see
  58. 58.
    We make everyone in attendance say one thing they're thankful for, Thanksgiving style.
  59. 59.
    Depending on where the wedding takes place we simply forfeit our attendance. There is no speech.
  60. 60.
    Recreate the weekend they met by playing the couple and bringing the two friends that introduced them to play themselves
  61. 61.
    Create a gambling opportunity for guests to put money down on the topics we will bring up in the speech
  62. 62.
    Make the bride and groom participate in food-eating contest while we commentate
  63. 63.
    Make them cook a Blue Apron meal together at their wedding while we commentate
  64. 64.
    The whole speech is puns.
  65. 65.
    We include transition music from one of the following shows: Hannah Montana, Sex and the City
    Suggestions welcome!
  66. 66.
    Light show with mascot costumes
    A la Deadmau5
  67. 67.
    We hire the groom's high school friend who wrote an ebook and does motivational speeches.
  68. 68.
    We treat wedding guests to a game of The Bachelor/ette, and all attendees without a rose at the end must leave the reception.
  69. 69.
    We force feed them ice cream while we tell them why we like them to enforce a Pavlovian instinct to think of us fondly whenever they eat ice cream.
  70. 70.
    We cry the entire time and are entirely incoherent but provide our own subtitles on a projection.
  71. 71.
    Set up a bingo board for wedding attendees to fill out during our speech
  72. 72.
    We make a Lemonade video, including infidelity rumors.
  73. 73.
    Acrostics about the bride and groom
  74. 74.
    We bring our own hype man to cheer for us while we give our speech.
    Could also be our own mascot, ideally a goat that we would name Naughty Nick.
  75. 75.
    End every word with "izzle" like Snoop Dogg
  76. 76.
    We dress as an angel and devil, then handcuff the bride and groom together and give them conflicting advice on their future.
  77. 77.
    A eulogy. No one will actually be dead, but all speech text will treat the couple as such.
  78. 78.
    It's a performance art piece that LITERALLY never ends.
  79. 79.
    Stand on the stage in silence and let guests conceptualize the speech we would give
  80. 80.
    Set up Sims of ourselves and play them on a large computer during the reception
    The speech is their Simlish discussion with each other.
  81. 81.
    We make our speech "open mic" and make every attendee contribute a line.
  82. 82.
    The whole speech rhymes like a Dr. Seuss book/elementary school poetry.
  83. 83.
    We stand and give a heartfelt speech that shows are gratitude and wish them well on their future.
  84. 84.
    Play the recorder
    Top contender currently: Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On"
  85. 85.
    Cadet Kelly ribbon dancing
  86. 86.
    Art exhibit consisting of pics of the couple, and the speech is a guided tour on headphones for wedding guests