Inspired by @lizdonehue // I'm @mattanatron on Twitter! Also I don't know how to take screen shots of individual tweets so I retyped them like a schmuck, sorry!
  1. If I were a mid-2000s band right now I'd be Hoobastank (because I haven't showered recently & am bringing that STENCH) #imnotaperfectperson
    January 5.
  2. Wow, the inevitable Best Picture winner is the same as last year! Once again I am 12 YEARS A SLAVE sitting through BOYHOOD. #shotsfired
    January 15. I really hated Boyhood, not sorry.
  3. At a point in my life where I most effectively communicate my feelings through emoji. If you can't handle that... 👋
    January 30. This is my personal brand.
  4. Bro caught me humming 1D but I'm not gonna apologize for it. Maybe this defiant attitude is "what makes me beautiful!"
    January 31.
  5. I've never known drug addiction & don't want to trivialize disease, but I do know what it's like to be unable to say no to Panda Express.
    February 4. I feel gross typing that out again, but it's good to confront your former demons.
  6. "On Wednesdays we wear ash!" #meanpriests
    February 18. This was Ash Wednesday and did not make a great impact on social media, but I still love the joke.
  7. Sober Mattan sees white and gold, drunk Mattan sees black and blue. #thedress
    February 27. This was spooky, y'all!
  8. "I'm In Love With The CoCoa": Stop the Glorification of Cocaine Use & Start the Glorification of Hot Chocolate
    March 3. Still stand by this.
  9. If we could swap out Ted Cruz for Taio Cruz, the Republican Party would be #dynamite in 2016!
    March 24. This is peak content.
  10. April Fools, more like April POOLS! Warmer weather means more swimming opportunities! 🏊
    April 1. Also tweeted alternate versions for April JEWELS (💎) and April GHOULS (👻🎃).
  11. Call me @natimbruglia b/c I'm literally cold & shamed lying naked on the floor. #nothingsrightimtorn PS sorry Natalie if you get that a lot.
    April 6. She never responded.
  12. new sufjan stevens album's lyrics narrating my studies: "what did i do to deserve this?"; "we're all gonna die"; "fuck me I'm falling apart"
    April 9. Guys, this album is so good. Listen and cry and then listen and imagine trying to study and write papers to it.
  13. It's that time of year (read: every day) when I start passive-aggressively reminding everyone I know that they consistently let me down.
    April 19. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  14. hi, is there a way to rock white born cornrows without a) appropriating black culture, and b) looking like a meth addict? let me know, thanks
    April 23. Someone tweeted me a picture of Riff Raff, answering my question with a resounding NO.
  15. but what the people in the library at 3am DON'T know is that i'm unabashedly listening to hilary duff deep cuts to self-motivate
    May 6. She is entirely to thank for me graduating on time. Thank you, St. Hilary, Patron Saint of School Survival.
  16. Life's too short. Eat the roll of Thin Mints you've been saving in your freezer. #twoyearslater
    May 31. In response to a tweet from the year before exclaiming how I found an old roll of Thin Mints.
  17. Rubesubumube skubill: Ubi cuban spubeak Ububbubi Dububbubi puberfubectluby. #ubunubempluboyed
    June 3. This did not get me a job, sadly.
  18. So excited for Usher's new collaboration mashup with Adolf Hitler: Confessions Part III #TheseAreMeinKampfessions
    June 11. The followers did NOT like this one. Oh well!
  19. Reminding myself that in the US I am free to be whomever I want, including a sourpuss that hates everyone & their opinions. #Happy4thOfJuly
    July 4. This is my essence.
  20. [...] heaven is this episode of Barefoot Contessa where Ina has Giada come over and they make gnocchi together. #friendshipgoals
    July 6. I dream about this episode a lot.
  21. Weird sexual tension between my dental hygienist and me as S Club 7's "Never Had A Dream Come True" played while she flossed my teeth.
    July 8.
  22. Trigger warning: perfectly good tater tots being thrown away.
    July 25. This was from an emotional brunch.
  23. Google search: Myers-Briggs testing for dogs || Google search: selfie sticks for dogs
    August 13. Two separate tweets from one afternoon of dog soul searching. (My ISFJ heart was very curious.)
  24. Lizzie McGuire's David "Gordo" Gordon and the Role of Hacky Sack in Pop Culture (has anyone already written this???????)
    August 28.
  25. What do you call a movie about a pair of Jews that are angry about Yom Kippur? 2 FURIOUS 2 FAST! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I'm so hungry
    September 23. Yom Kippur was rough this year.
  26. More hurt if people don't like my tweets than if people don't like my personality. #millennials #personalbrand #liveauthentic
    October 1. This is my pinned tweet.
  27. Is there a version of the Bible where every use of God is switched to Dog? Not currently pondering becoming religious, but this would help.
    October 4. Don't tell me this isn't true.
  28. So you know where I'm at in my life, I just unfriended someone on Facebook for calling @michellebranch a one-hit wonder. #goodbyetoyou
    October 15. No regrets.
  29. Maria von Trapp Queen
    November 7. This isn't the mash up of my dreams!
  30. Oh, not much, just hanging, thinking about how I peaked in sixth grade academically and socially, how about you?
    December 14. The proof is in the pudding aka my tweets.