1. I will not Instagram my pie.
  2. I will, like, literally not say literally, like, literally ever.
  3. Just once, I will try not twerking on fleek for bae.
  4. Minions memes do not count as books.
  5. I will save my... money?
  6. [twenty shruggies]
  7. I will not ask bros if they even lift.
  8. #brands are actually good.
  9. I will become an emotionally distant alcoholic as soon as is reasonably possible.
  10. I will apply for a back breaking job to pay for college in four years, when I turn 10.
  11. The Old White Man is always right. (He is on fleek.)
  12. I will not "do it for the vine."
  13. I will text in cursive, on parchment, and mail them to my correspondents with a wax seal of my family sigil. (Not an emoji!)
  14. In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight.
  15. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the wall.
  16. Now I lay me down to sleep.