1. He's half dead on the inside
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  2. His lungs don't have the proper psi
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  3. It's not lying if you don't say it out loud
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  4. He feels being a soft talker is the only true sport left in life
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  5. He hydrates his vocal chords with tears from Jets' fans
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  6. He's better at mumbling sweet nothings than whispering them
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  7. He thinks microphones work better than they do
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  8. He used to live in a library
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  9. Only losers talk in a normal voice
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