LIKE THIS LIST AND I WILL COMMENT A MEMORY I HAVE OF THE TWO OF US DESPITE NOT KNOWING ANY OF YOU

All factual.
  1. @bjnovak that time we went to ikea was fun. I was annoyed with you by the end of the day but I think I hid it well.
  2. @bisexual last week I let you come to brunch with me and you wore your hair in a donut bun. That's out. Honestly, its like you were trying to ruin my brand. I'll let you make it up to me though. Xx
  3. @mamie we sat next to each other in our writing seminar, the Thingliness of Things. I felt you used the word "meta" a few too many times to be taken seriously. If it wasn't for your wob at the time, I would have thought you were v basic.
  4. @natahathan the last time I saw you was the day they told us the truth, that we weren't really twins and that you are ten years older. Sometimes I think we should have guessed, but how were we to know? Sorry for not contacting you. I know we are still siblings, but a brother is not as trendy as a twin brother so I just couldn't be bothered.
  5. @jaidub we were hired by Taylor Swift to be co-chairs of her 2014 Halloween costume committee. You wanted her to be an angel which was dumb bc it's so Victoria's-Secret-model-friends wannabe. I said unicorn b/c duh. When it came to making the choice, she put the cats in charge. They each chose one and the *itch couldn't deal so she was both. Idiots
    I'm fully in charge this year. Just you wait, world, just you wait.
  6. @samboyd you probably don't know this but I muted you on my Facebook feed because you don't shut up about the chemtrails conspiracies. And honestly, if you had gotten into it before Kylie Jenner I would have stuck with you because I'm loyal but I think you're being fake. And when I try to talk to you about it you get so extra and I can't deal.
    Also, I'm fucking right about Solange being Beyoncé's daughter. I know it. You know it. We all know it.
  7. @nimbu I've noticed you've only been opening the first part of my snapchat stories to get rid of the notification and I'm offended. I was there for you when you when Jen and Amy wouldn't talk to you spring break 2012 because you wore that Godawful tankini and you can't even pretend to watch my story. It was army print and I stuck with you. Damnit.
  8. @cordeliane Dana, you told me that my name was a boy's name in 4th grade. That was a bitchy move for a nine year old. My name isn't short for Matthew. It's a girl's name, Dana! And Dana is a boy's name. So there, Dana. You're a boy. What now?
    No, I'm not being immature about this. Stop telling me that.
  9. @IamChrisTodd you were in the bathroom practicing your speech for class religion rep at our very Catholic school. I helped you practice and even prayed with you but I also taped a sign to your back that said "Chris Todd doesn't believe in God." It was a cool rhyme and it meant that Stacy won the dumb position and I owed her one.
    I know that's an iffy move on my part if there is a God but I felt you were a little too preachy for the position and I hated owing Stacy. It was my only way out.
  10. @jhope71 You were my boss during my internship last semester and you just couldn't get with the times. I mean I understand that The Economist is respectable but come on. You wouldn't let me talk about Obama's healthcare plan being on fleek or Boehner's face being orange af. Accept that Kimojis are the new Shakespeare and get on w life. This is in.
    Also, that being said I was wondering if I can use you as a reference? Text me back if that's cool 👌🏼
  11. @Melodie In second grade we competed for first place in our class's multiplication table scores. On the final quiz day I got a bad stomach ache and couldn't give my table the attention it required. It was whatever because we tied and I tried not to make it a big deal but the truth is that you offered me a suspect cookie at lunch just before.
    I'm not saying you sabotaged me, but let's be real. You were a sketchy kid and that was probably a sketchy cookie. Your mom always was a stage mom. Wouldn't put it past her to do this. When you barfed at homecoming freshman year... Let's just say I offered you a suspicious muffin that morning.
  12. @HisDudeness We had P.E. together in middle school and you were that kid who did the most push-ups and ran the fastest mile. I didn't participate bc I didn't want to be sweaty in class and coach Howell was a pushover. Anyway I felt you could use a little humility so during dodgeball I threw that ball at your face from the sidelines.
    Didn't mean for you to pass out! Coach Howell let it slide without saying anything because my parents basically pay his salary and your new wonky nose sure taught you compassion.
  13. @salsagal I was a little jealous of you when we were kids bc you got a golden retriever puppy and I had always wanted one. But it turned out ok because my parents got me one after I complained and it grew up to be cuter. Mine was tall and thin while yours was short and wide. We can't have everything though... But I tend to.
  14. @sarahgorman look I don't hate you, but we both know that you overheard me telling Katie I was gonna go platinum blonde and then you went and dyed your hair before me. I think we could have been tight, but you stole my moment. The compliments at work and comments on insta should have been mine. It's fine, but I'm not over it yet 💁🏼
    At least I beat you to the bangs game
  15. @egiuffri in high school we shared a bio lab desk and I'm gonna be honest it felt like we were married for that semester. Splitting chores, co-writing assignment, cheating on quizzes. At the end of the semester I asked to move bc I felt too attached to you but was embarrassed by your rolling backpack. Sorry I pretended I didn't know why I got moved
    I know your mom is a chiropractor, but it doesn't make that backpack ok! I had to get out of the situation before it was too late. It was ruining my image.
  16. @alligeeshow when we met in 8th grade you introduced yourself by saying your name was "Allie, son" and you obviously thought that was really quirky. We get it, "Allie" and "Allison." It's not that impressive. Even I knew that when I was 13. I could have gotten over how cringe that moment was if you didn't start sharpie-ing your converse whites.
    You seem sweet now though, we should catch up!
  17. @paigeclaudette you wore colored jeans before it was cool and I made fun of you but really you were ahead of the trend and I should have recognized that. I'm sorry for making it look like you split your pants by cutting your jeans crotch during P.E. It feels good to get that off my chest. Glad we can move forward.
  18. @DavidSeger I know I cancelled lunch with you last week for better plans but do you really have to reply "k" to every text I send you? Sarah had a good networking opportunity for my vlogging channel and I know you don't have a lot going on right now so we can easily reschedule. Text me back xx
  19. @Perchlakegirl we wore the same dress to junior prom. It was pretty horrifying but I def won senior prom so I got my moment back. Other than that, I don't mind you. High school reunion is coming up. Don't wear blue of you know what's good for you.
  20. @hannahbee Our biggest fight was over Rory's best boyfriend. For some reason you liked Logan who if you look back was manipulative and inconsiderate. What you overlook is the important fact that Jesse grew up and changed. He was a douche but he got it together. Logan was never not a douche no matter how charming the nickname "Ace" is.
    I will not back down from this. We'll see what the reunion episode brings... Jesse 5eva
  21. @rebeccazemel JUST BECAUSE WE TOOK A CLASS ON AESTHETIC DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE AN EXPERT ON AESTHETIC AND CAN USE THE WORD AESTHETIC SO MUCH. JUST STOP.