WALK THROUGH OF MY FINE NEEDLE ASPIRATION BIOPSY

thyroids are fun!
  1. Whinge about it for a few months before finally scheduling it.
  2. Really talk up the fact that I will have 4 needles in my neck.
  3. Refer to it as my "scheduled stabbing" because I certainly didn't inherit the drama gene from my dad.
  4. Arrive at the medical center and go to the basement level. Underground and no windows feels right.
  5. Fill out my info on an iPad. We are the future.
  6. Watch the people around me and create detailed imaginary lives for them.
  7. Get called into the room by Doctor #1 who guides the ultrasound.
  8. Meet Doctor #2 who does the stabbing.
  9. Learn that #1 is fun and #2 is poo.
    Applaud my rhyme.
  10. Doctor #2 tells me about all the things that could go wrong and has me sign a waiver. Doesn't laugh when I said "so basically this says if I die, I die."
  11. Instead he says, "We don't foresee that happening."
  12. Doctor #1 snorts because he's a team player.
  13. Get some anesthetic that numbs the surface, but certainly doesn't help once the needle is inside you.
  14. Begin hyperventilating.
  15. Experience a continuation of four needles stabbing into one side of my neck with the pressure of the ultrasound on the other.
  16. Each stab can be felt inside my neck and I'm pretty sure I can feel the empty space where cells are being pulled from my body.
  17. Wait for them to check the samples.
  18. Shed a tear at the news that they didn't get enough and have to do one more.
  19. Needle 5 hurts like a right bitch. Pretty sure it went in my neck from the front and came out the back. Or perhaps just took the entire inside of my neck out with it. I am hollow.
  20. Also very dizzy.
  21. Doctor #2 doesn't care.
  22. When they clean me up, I ask, "am I bleeding out?" I feel the need to prove I'm cool with that question.
  23. Doctor #2 gives me a stern "No" as #1 mimics an explosion at the neck and nods with wide eyes.
  24. Doctor #1 and I form an alliance. He may not be as good looking as Doctor #2, but at least he isn't the worlds most boring person.
  25. I leave and spend the day feeling sorry for myself with my scarf tied unhealthily tight around my neck like a tourniquet.
  26. I plot the stabbing of Doctor #2.