THINGS I WISH AN AIRPLANE PILOT WOULD SAY

"Weeeeelcome aboard folks" -Every Pilot ever
  1. "Uh folks I have still have you for a few minutes here so I'd appreciate if you'd stop packing up and wait until I'm done"
    Re high school and college teachers/professors
  2. "We've reached our cruising altitude of about 180,000 feet"
    I'm probably one of three people above the age of 8 who think the altitude and speed are cool so I think it'd be nice if the pilot just threw whatever bullshit numbers he felt like out there
  3. "Hey folks no reason for panic but I'm definitely way too drunk to fly this fucker. Leaving it in the capable hands of whoever can get into the cock pit."
    Obviously never going to happen but I can dream
  4. Some sort of "cockpit" related joke. It's there somewhere
    "My copilot Jeff loves cockpits; enjoy the flight"
  5. "Folks if you take a look out of the right side of the plane you'll see the lovely city of ____________ where my whore of an ex-wife lives"