WHAT I WANTED TO BE GROWING UP, CHRONOLOGICALLY

  1. Age 5-7
    an Army Man like the action figures I used to simulate battles I'd seen(?)
  2. 8-9
    Pokemon Master. I was all about the Pokemon game for REAL in elementary school. Then one day I dropped my Pokemon:Red gameboy cartridge out the window of my Dad's truck whilst traveling down the highway. It was that moment I decided that enough was enough and I needed to get serious about my fucking future
  3. 9.5-12
    Professional Baseball Player. I was riding high off two straight All-Star team selections and decided things were shaping up for a real run to the show.
  4. 13
    Play by Play commentator for the Boston Red Sox. I discovered that I was actually an average baseball player at best, thus paving my way to the broadcast booth for the Sox. Despite having an incredibly annoying prepubescent voice that mocked that of a 10 year old girl.
  5. 14-17 (I like to call this the fucking loser stage of my life) aka High School
    Career? Future? What? Get out of Bed? No
  6. 18-19
    What's the easiest college major I can choose? Criminal Justice sounds great. I'll just fall into an elite level Government agency job with my earth-shattering 2.5 GPA and overall complete lack of direction/ambition/dedication.
  7. 20-Current
    Perhaps my most legitimate goal to date: I want to be a person who helps people and makes a lot of money