1. Always tip generously.
  2. Riding your bike without a helmet is attempted suicide.
  3. In-N-Out is good for you but McDonald's is deadly poison.
  4. If you're homeless getting a tiny dog is a smart move if you want to pull in more cash.
  5. The worst crime a driver can commit is the slightest hesitation before turning left on a green arrow.
  6. Capitalism is a greed-driven pyramid scheme that someday will topple and crush us all.
  7. Jesus no es dios.
  8. Advertising is evil but also the reason you go to a private school where you call teachers by their first names and lunch comes with edamame.