THE UNABRIDGED RULES OF LIBRARY MANAGEMENT

  1. 1 – THE PRIME DIRECTIVE – In order for you, the READER, to display any book in your home’s public space, you, the READER, must have read that book. If a visitor is in the home of the READER and sees a book on the living room shelves, that visitor knows WITHOUT A DOUBT it has been read by the READER.
  2. 1 – A: The displayed books ARE NOT the combined book collections of the READER and other occupants of the house. This is only the collection of the READER.
  3. 1 – B: Writing for which it is acceptable for the READER not to have read: I) Indexes. II) The ending part of the author’s acknowledgments that is just a list of names. III) Poetry. IV) Books written by the READER’s friends and relatives that READER claimed to have read.
  4. 2 – Actual book copies of audiobooks that have been listened to with the READER'S EARS may be placed on the living room library shelves, IF A) the audiobook listened to was UNABRIDGED, & B) the actual books have been looked through to make sure the READER didn’t miss any pictures or charts.
    If a visitor says “listening isn’t the same as reading,” get into protracted and unpleasant argument about it until the visitor thinks the READER is insane and leaves to visit someone whose bookshelves are a mixture of read and unread books — A LIVING HELL.
  5. 2 – A: It is encouraged, but not mandatory, to “break-in” the listened-to-but-not-actually-read-with-your-eyes books by creasing the spines, dog-earing the pages, etc., so they “fit-in” with the read-with-your-eyes books.
  6. 3 – NO BORROWING. No loaning out of books is allowed under any situation.
  7. 3 – A: Books may be borrowed if it is a super super super awkward situation. (Like, a pregnant lady really wants something to read while on she’s on bed rest, and the READER’S wife says, “sure you can borrow The Tipping Point, the READER won’t mind, right honey?”)
  8. 3 – B: If a book is allowed to be “borrowed,” a replacement is purchased online as soon as the original leaves the house. No attempt is made to recover the “borrowed” book.
  9. 3 – C: DVDs may be borrowed at any time. Keep as many as you want as long as you want. Why did the READER buy these worthless things?