Careers I'd Pursue if Money Wasn't an Option

  1. Coffee Shop Model
    If you need me to sit in your coffee shop looking cool, drinking your coffee, talking up your product to customers for 10-15 hours per week, let me know.
  2. Urban Traffic Designer
    I develop new and exciting traffic patterns for the world's busiest cities using little to no research. Changes are implemented immediately and I make updates as I find out what creates the most efficient/funniest ways around town.
  3. Travel Agent Auditor
    Is anyone checking to see if these people know what they're doing? I'll be the judge of this town in Switzerland really being as "quaint" as you claim.
  4. Inflatable Mattress Deflater
    I go to your house after you've had guests stay over and deflate the inflatable mattress you made them use. There is no fee for this service, in fact, you are paid $3 per mattress since I have a great time doing this.
  5. Millionaire Counselor
    I sit with millionaires for one hour sessions where I tell them about all the things I worry about, how many times my bank account has been below zero, and remind them of all the things I have to do that they don't.
  6. Baby Namer
    I name new humans. They start off creative and nice, and then get funny, until I get lazy and begin including numbers. But think of all the time I'm saving parents!