A HISTORY OF TEASING

Dates are relatively accurate, AND SO IS EVERYTHING ELSE.
  1. 195,000 B.C. No teasing yet.
    Human life on Earth appears! It's pretty hard. Nobody has a sense of humor. Especially the Neanderthals.
  2. 194, 999 B.C. A male Homo Sapiens teases a female Homo Sapiens. She loves it, and chooses the funny guy over the strong guy.
    The female orgasm is discovered. Nobody gets anything done for at least 2 years.
  3. 101,785 B.C. The Homo Sapiens stage a "humor war" against the Neanderthals. It is a period of merciless teasing.
    The Neanderthals do not understand what is happening.
  4. 43,001 B.C. Female Homo Sapiens teases Male Homo Sapiens. He loves it, and draws a picture of her joke on the wall.
    This is the first official documentation of teasing.
  5. 28,000 B.C. The last Neanderthal, frustrated by living in a world where he never gets the joke, jumps off a cliff.
    The humor war finally pays off.
  6. 15,042 B.C. Samsara teases Veda about her outfit. Veda thinks that being a teenager is just the most inane bullshit and there has got to be something more. She takes some deep breaths to center herself before she responds.
    Meditation is invented.
  7. 11,300 B.C. Goop makes fun of Gina for being a crappy hunter. Gina decides there must be something else she is good at. She gathers a bunch of seeds and plants them next to her hut.
    Agriculture is born.
  8. 3781 B.C.
    Beer is invented.
  9. 1230 B.C. Penelope prefers to weave (and unravel and reweave) her tapestry than go to bed with one of her entitled suitors. One of them refers to her as "cocktease" in his diary.
    First recorded usage. NB: This does not actually count as teasing, because she didn't know about it. It does, however, mark an early example of male entitlement, and a pattern that would persist for centuries.
  10. 7 A.D. Kids on the schoolyard tease a little boy named Jesus for not knowing who his Dad is. He replies that his real Dad is actually G-d, so kindly shut the f up.
    They believe him, so he has to stick to that story. You know what happened next.
  11. 476 A.D. Emperor Romulus Augustus can't take a joke.
    Rome falls.
  12. 1112 A.D. Aztec children play a game called "sacrifice" where they tie up and lightly whip one another.
    Scholars will later point to this as proof that the Aztecs invented BDSM teasing.
  13. 1375 A.D. Thom and Jaynie climb up into a tree and make out. A jealous friend teases: "Thom and Jaynie kissing in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G..."
    Schoolyard teasing begins. Thom and Jaynie are shamed, and do not make out again.
  14. 1592 A.D. Queen Victoria ties Disraeli up with her scarf during a strategy session, "to prove a point;" they both find it extraordinarily arousing, but do not act upon their desires.
    Disraeli would later use the word "tease" to describe Victoria - first noun form usage.
  15. 1775 A.D. Bostonians tease English by throwing a bunch of tea in the harbor.
    The English fail to see the humor in the situation.
  16. 1797 A.D. After her mother's six or seven hundredth oh-so-delicate suggestion that she get married, Jane Austen replies, teasingly, with an unprecedented level of snark.
    Sarcasm comes into popular use.
  17. 1898 A.D. A little asshole named Adolf is bullied in the schoolyard.
    He grows up to be a psychopath of astronomical proportions. Scientists begin to study the difference between "teasing" and "bullying."
  18. 1901 A.D. Thomas Edison is a huge tease.
    Little known fact.
  19. 1913 A.D. Mary Phelps Jacobs invents the bra, after having grown up with six brothers.
    Small-breasted women become much more uncomfortable from here on out; large-breasted women become slightly more comfortable. All women agree that it would be a much better feeling to just have someone handsome stand there and hold your boobs up.
  20. 1957 A.D. The Pill is prescribed.
    There is an enormous uptick in teasing, roughhousing, tickling, and all sorts of playful behavior.
  21. 1962 A.D. JFK teases Fidel Castro on a telephone call, and Castro laughs.
    The Cuban Missile Crisis is averted.
  22. 1977 A.D. Personal computers go on sale.
    There is a downturn in teasing, talking, eye contact, and other forms of physical communication.
  23. 1979-1981 A.D. International leaders consider sanctions to regulate and limit teasing.
    Results include the Salvadorean Civil War, the overthrow of the Iranian government by Ayatollah Khomeini, the Iran Hostage Crisis, the attempted assassinations of President Ronald Reagan and Syrian President Hafez Al-Assad, the murder of John Lennon, bloody protests in South Korea, a military coup d'état in Turkey, a coup d'état in Liberia, a coup d'état in Bolivia, the cancellation of Mardi Gras in New Orleans, and earthquakes in Algeria, China and Greece. Sanctions are not approved.
  24. 1989 A.D. @tothemaxxx teases me in the car on the way to pre/school every morning and becomes my hero.
    26 years later, he asks me to write this list. The rest is history. Haha.