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For people whose access to generous quantities various food and motivation to create a meal are both nearly nonexistent
  1. Ants on a log? Celery boats? You get the idea
    I don't know which is the preferable (or correct, for that matter) term. Take two sticks of celery cut into thirds (or fourths depending on how long/wide the celery stick is, and, I guess, depending on your preference, too), load them with peanut butter and top them with chocolate chips. Or raisins, if you're a fucking weirdo. My favorite chocolate chips to top my logs with are Tollhouse milk chocolate minis and Ghiradelli (you know, the chocolate brand, not a middle eastern city) dark chocolate
  2. I ran out of characters on the last post. The next snack is a muffin.
    Wholesome. Tonight, I had a lemon streusel muffin. Straight up. Plain. Room temperature. It was hard to get through. I suggest eating a blueberry muffin, toasted until crispy and spread with butter. I would have indulged, however I had 3 gluten free lemon streusel muffins left and only 2 gluten free blueberry muffins left so I decided to save the blueberry ones for later.
  3. An assortment of veggies
    A handful of snap peas from a plastic bag, two carrot sticks haphazardly chopped into sticks and a couple nuts (my mind automatically thinks of balls when I see/ hear the word nuts so i wanted to address that) (tonight I chose Brazil nuts) ( ;) ) (how the fuck do you put a fucking smiley face in parenthesis?) all thrown into a bowl. Then, look at the at the bowl. Decide it'd be better as lunch tomorrow. Or whenever. Pretty much anytime but now. Cut Saran Wrap. Put over bowl. Put bowl in fridge.
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  1. City bitch trying to impress her date
    We've all passed a new couple and picked up on a piece of their conversation and the unmistakable tone of a city bitch bragging to her new bif. "No I swear, they like, totally love me."
  2. Over-excited Mets fan
    Unfortunately we can pin point this character as my father this weekend. Not only did he sport his vintage Mets baseball hat to make sure everyone knew he isn't a fairweather fan, but his 70's style royal blue Mets bomber jacket perfected the stereotype of a New Yorker proudly showing off his team's gear for the first time since 2000.
  3. Someone on acid
    If you're lucky, they'll be preaching a sermon of what the future holds for the the racist monstrosity that is America.
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My father is notoriously known for being the worst texter to exist. Here are some examples.
  1. "Make sure you always doors" doors? What about them? How do I always doors?
  2. "Do you wanna vibe out and look at the car ?" Sorry dad. As much as I would love to light up and vibe with you, I've got some homework to do.
  3. "What tint do to g out ?" I think this was supposed to be his way of asking me when I get out of work. I could be completely misinterpreting this however. There's a real possibility he was asking me about tints of paint chips for the bathroom.
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Consequences (or benefits) of having a Hispanic name and a Google plus account at the age of 12
  1. For starters, here's my alter ego. This is an 11 year old named Maya Davila who has some pretty cool singing videos on YouTube. You should check her out.
  2. Can't tell if this is George Lopez or just a random, middle aged Latino wearing stereotypical middle aged Latino sunglasses
  3. This is a personality picture and I really can't complain about its present association with my name on Google. Who doesn't love squeezable applesauce made for children?
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