I'm not the Me I wanna be
I feel like I won't be able to sleep tonight without getting this off of my chest, so...
- •Do you ever daydream about a situation?Like someone walking up to you, saying something to you and you responding in the best and most perfect way you can think of?
- •And then, like half an hour later, that situation actually happens?And someone's really walking up to you, asking that question you wished someone would ask you only 30 minutes ago.
- •And you respond nothing like you did in your daydream?
- •That's what happened to me today and I could bite my butt for it.(That's a german expression. I'm not sure if it exists in english but it's the best way to put my feelings...)
- •Because it showed me the gap between the person I am and the person I'd like to be.
- •And it made me realize that this gap is still huge, even if it's declined over the past few years.
- •And now I'm not sure if the problem lies with my expectations being to high or with myself not being enough.
- •And I know it's crazy and self destructive to think that.
- •But I can't help it.
- •I know why I didn't respond the way I did in my daydream. I know that, I could make an entire list about it. But none of those reasons seem good enough.
- •Because I decided to stop hiding, to stop wanting to control everything to stop being afraid.
- •And that's how I was in my daydream. But I wasn't that Me in reality. I couldn't be it.
- •And I hate that.
- •Sorry for whining. But I already feel better now and I hope I'll be able to sleep...