I'm not the Me I wanna be

I feel like I won't be able to sleep tonight without getting this off of my chest, so...
  1. Do you ever daydream about a situation?
    Like someone walking up to you, saying something to you and you responding in the best and most perfect way you can think of?
  2. And then, like half an hour later, that situation actually happens?
    And someone's really walking up to you, asking that question you wished someone would ask you only 30 minutes ago.
  3. And you respond nothing like you did in your daydream?
  4. That's what happened to me today and I could bite my butt for it.
    (That's a german expression. I'm not sure if it exists in english but it's the best way to put my feelings...)
  5. Because it showed me the gap between the person I am and the person I'd like to be.
  6. And it made me realize that this gap is still huge, even if it's declined over the past few years.
  7. And now I'm not sure if the problem lies with my expectations being to high or with myself not being enough.
  8. And I know it's crazy and self destructive to think that.
  9. But I can't help it.
  10. I know why I didn't respond the way I did in my daydream. I know that, I could make an entire list about it. But none of those reasons seem good enough.
  11. Because I decided to stop hiding, to stop wanting to control everything to stop being afraid.
  12. And that's how I was in my daydream. But I wasn't that Me in reality. I couldn't be it.
  13. And I hate that.
  14. ...
  15. Sorry for whining. But I already feel better now and I hope I'll be able to sleep...