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  1. Papa Dragon
    (2009, while watching Avatar in the theater)
  2. Uncle Dragon
    (2013, immediately after my niece was born)
  1. Duoz
    Commit to one flavor, coward. I have a theory that whenever a batch of Cheez-Its gets gummed up at the factory, they just blast it with flavor, mix it with another batch of defective, flavor-covered mistakes and put that combination of accidents in a Duoz box. If you’ve ever bought the bacon and cheddar Duoz, you just gotta accept that making good snack decisions just might not be your thing.
  2. Cheez-Its With Patterns Printed Into Them
    Over the years I’ve seen Spongebob Cheez-Its, Cheez-Its with Scrabble letters pressed into them and others that I’ve blocked out of my memory. There’s no need for Cheez-Its to sink this low. This kinda gimmicky bullshit is something that should be reserved for sad, disgusting brands like Cheese Nips. Filth.
  3. Modified Cheez-Its Meant To Be Healthy
    This category includes “Reduced Fat” “Whole Wheat” and any other type with a healthy modifier. There are infinite healthy snacks out there, go find them somewhere else. Take a walk over to the fruit section or the organic aisle or whatever sadness zone you prefer to get your “ooooh-I-am-so-bad-for-snacking-my-fitbit-is-gonna-lecture-me” food from. It’s cheese crackers, dog. It’s not gonna be healthy and really shouldn’t be, knock it off.
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Chopped is probably the best cooking show on television and the episodes with a special modifier are some of my favorites. I call these wildcard episodes, and have assembled a list of 10 pretty goddamn good ideas for new ones.
  1. Chopped: Senior Showdown
    They’ve had kid chefs and teen chefs and chefs that are the age you’d expect a chef to be, but they’ve never had a senior tournament. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had an old person cook me a meal in less than 4 hours, so watching some of them whip up dishes in half an hour or less would be quite the thrill. There’s always a chance one of these elderly people would say something racist when presented with a foreign mystery ingredient, but that's up to the judges to deal with.
  2. Chopped: Speed
    This wildcard doesn’t have anything to do with speed in the distance-travelled-over-time sense, it has to do with Speed, the 1994 film where the bus has to stay above a certain speed or it blows up. In this episode, all of the instruments the chefs use would have to be cranked way the hell up at all times. The oven is always on broil, all of the burners are locked to high, anything you get out of the fridge is nearly frozen. Also, Keanu Reeves is a special guest host.
  3. Chopped: Little Kid Judges
    I would pay big money to see a phenomenal chef cook their heart out on an objectively impressive meal and have three little kids in bowties chop them because they don’t like carrots and there were carrots in the dish.
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  1. The Throw That Hit The Camera
    Relationships are meant to capture the best part of you. Good partners take long looks at those they love and help them better understand themselves. After Tammy left, Rico only had the camera to provide this type of feedback. In the front yard, with Tina looking on, one errant throw sent the camera tumbling to the ground. Physically it was a terrible throw and if you look at the deeper meaning, it was even worse.
  2. “Worst Video Ever Made” Throws
    His footwork leaves a lot to be desired, though that might just have to do with the fact he is in an uneven wheat field rather than on a nicely groomed football field. I think the worst part of these throws is the camera angle. What's the point of recording throws if you don't show where they land? Kip sums these up perfectly, they’re “pretty cool, I guess”.
  3. Hypothetical Throw Over Them Mountains
    This would be at the top of the list had he actually done it, but even inviting someone to bet you on this potentially marvelous feat tells you a lot about Uncle Rico as an athlete. In a perfect world, Kip would not have spent all of his grandma’s money chatting with babes online all day, and could have made the bet. The mountains looked pretty far away and mountains are generally large, so this is an extremely impressive throw, even if it never technically happened.
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