Cheez-It Types Ranked Worst to Best

  1. Duoz
    Commit to one flavor, coward. I have a theory that whenever a batch of Cheez-Its gets gummed up at the factory, they just blast it with flavor, mix it with another batch of defective, flavor-covered mistakes and put that combination of accidents in a Duoz box. If you’ve ever bought the bacon and cheddar Duoz, you just gotta accept that making good snack decisions just might not be your thing.
  2. Cheez-Its With Patterns Printed Into Them
    Over the years I’ve seen Spongebob Cheez-Its, Cheez-Its with Scrabble letters pressed into them and others that I’ve blocked out of my memory. There’s no need for Cheez-Its to sink this low. This kinda gimmicky bullshit is something that should be reserved for sad, disgusting brands like Cheese Nips. Filth.
  3. Modified Cheez-Its Meant To Be Healthy
    This category includes “Reduced Fat” “Whole Wheat” and any other type with a healthy modifier. There are infinite healthy snacks out there, go find them somewhere else. Take a walk over to the fruit section or the organic aisle or whatever sadness zone you prefer to get your “ooooh-I-am-so-bad-for-snacking-my-fitbit-is-gonna-lecture-me” food from. It’s cheese crackers, dog. It’s not gonna be healthy and really shouldn’t be, knock it off.
  4. Snack Mixes
    If you were single and a friend said, “Hey I have the perfect girl for you. She’s everything you’re looking for, I’ll bring her to your party and let you meet her. Oh, BTW I’m also gonna bring like 7 of her friends that are either awful or neutral and you’re gonna have to interact with them too.”, they wouldn’t be a friend anymore. Kellogg is your “friend”, Cheez-its are the perfect girl for you, and all the other poop snacks in these mixes are the other girls who get in the way.
  5. The Spicy Ones
    I get that some people are into these type of things and would laugh at my plain Jane, vanilla-ass cracker preferences. I also get that some people like to gauge their ears and ride bikes without helmets. If that’s your thing, go for it. While you’re off playing BMX XXX on your Gamecube shoving Hot N’ Spicy Cheez-Its down your throat I’ll play Super Mario Sunshine and eat some snacks that would put you to sleep.
  6. Alternate Cheeses
    This category is an umbrella that covers “White Cheddar” “Pepper Jack” “Italian Four Cheese” and anything along those lines. A real drawback to a lot of these flavors is that they hit you with the dusty fingers that most superior Cheez-its avoid. Big negative on snackability points. I’m usually looking for that classic cheddar taste, so they’re not what I come to Cheez-Its for, but they’ll do in a pinch.
  7. Grooves
    Sometimes, things are much more satisfying because on paper they suck, but in actuality, they kinda rock. Grooves come in spicy flavors, are non-traditional, and get fingers super dusty, but somehow, they defy all odds and kick ass. Grooves are that weird kid that picks his nose too much, is a Sonic the Hedgehog fan, and wears animal tee-shirts but one day you get forced to work on a group project with him and find out he’s pretty dope. Try them if you haven’t.
  8. The Classic
    Classic Cheez-Its are absolutely phenomenal. Keep your spice, I don’t need your flavor blasting, don’t dare mix any goddamn pretzels in here. They’re amazing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Costco mega packs of classic Cheez-Its are the best kind. I don’t know what it is, but they’re just a touch better than any others. They’re worth the price of a Costco membership alone.
  9. Extra Toasty
    More like Extra Tasty. When I first saw a box of these on vacation once, I thought the hours on the road were playing tricks on my mind. Even after I bought them, I had concerns that maybe, just maybe, extra toasty Cheez-Its were meant to be rare. That the intensity of them wasn’t meant to be experienced each and every bite. I was wrong, Extra Toasty Cheez-Its are advertised as the most requested flavor and thank God for the people who requested them, because they’re here and they’re great.
  10. Cheez-It Big
    These crackers are my go-to argument when people try to argue that size doesn’t matter. The density, thickness and salt ratios are just right with these crackers. The Wikipedia for Cheez-Its says they’re “a larger cracker more suitable for garnishing or dipping”. Who is capable of getting on the internet and doesn’t know what the word “big” means? Don’t dip these or garnish these. Just open up the box, then open up the bag in the box and experience Cheez-Its in their finest form.