MY DARKEST MOMENT ⚫️

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. I have so many dark moments????
  2. So like I guess I can mention a few of them
  3. So trigger warning for depression, self harm, suicide, sexual assault
  4. In my junior year of high school (12-13), I was pretty depressed
  5. I started cutting in November of that year
    To be honest I think I started because I wanted to "prove" I was depressed, but once I started I found it "helpful" and got sucked into it
  6. I think that every time I felt the need to hurt myself is a dark moment in itself
  7. In December, my guidance counselor found out about my self harm
    And had to tell my mom. But my social worker was out that day, and the meanest social worker ever basically locked me in a closet all day and lied to my mom
  8. I consider that to be one of the darkest days of my life
    Because I don't have a good relationship with my mom and didn't want her to know and that fucked things up for me. Also was forced by the school to go into therapy... Which honestly made me WORSE because I wasn't ready for it and couldn't trust anyone. So it marks the beginning of the worst depression of my life
  9. My depression got worse
    Partially because of forced therapy, partially because my mom was in a horrible relationship with an alcoholic and they were both abusive to each other, partially because life and high school is stressful as it is, partially because I found out the father I adored was actually an abusive rapist piece of shit, the list goes on
  10. I planned my suicide
    I was going to walk in front of a train in June in the middle of the night (I live 5 min walk away)
  11. This of course would be THE darkest moment
  12. I never actually attempted though
  13. Mostly because of a great teacher
    I loved her class and honestly wanted to hold out until the next assignment. And she always reached out to me and talked to me after school. Not necessarily about the shit I was going through, but anything. And genuinely listening. And also looking out for me. And I guess I needed that connection and love and she made me realize there was good in the world
  14. I cried when she took a position at another school nearby (actually @bjnovak 's high school, Newton south!)
  15. And I'm glad I have gotten better
  16. In fact I'm maybe 19 months clean from cutting?
    I think the last time I did was when I kinda "ran away" towards the end of my senior year because my mom had somehow read my personal tumblr posts and I had felt so violated I ran to school and hid in the woods for a while. My math teacher thought I legitimately left home
  17. But that doesn't mean the dark feelings are gone forever
    Like I feel happy most of the time now and I consider my depression to be gone, but it always creeps back now and again
  18. Like another dark moment happened a little over a year ago
  19. I was sexually assaulted at school
    Some creep came up to me when I was working alone in the library at night and grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat and just EW
  20. If that wasn't bad enough, university does not know how to adequately help survivors. I went through the conduct process at school for this case and it was highly retraumatizing
    Ugh
  21. The semester of the conduct hearing was my worst semester
    The conduct hearing was painful. It was then elongated by my assailant appealing, and he somehow got a lighter sentence??? Made me feel like shit. My (now ex-)friends were totally shitty and did not care about me or ask how I was doing. One of them was my roommate and I felt so uncomfortable I wouldn't go back to my room and was "homeless" for a period of time (eventually switching rooms). I almost failed one of my classes
  22. The assault happened in my first semester of college and has affected the rest
    Like the next semester I was dealing with a heck of a lot (last bullet). And then the next semester I still found myself thinking about it a lot. Next semester I need an accommodation because one of my classes is supposed to be held in the library and I don't want to have to have class there. So like it doesn't go away
  23. I consider my depression to be a hell of a lot darker than the assault
    This is just me
  24. But my depression is gone, and while I still have scars, mentally and physically, I feel like it's the assault that lingers the most