THE STAGES OF ESSAY PURGATORY

essay purgatory is a lot like Dante's purgatory. except instead of Virgil leading you to Paradiso , caffeine leads you to a submitted paper.
  1. 1.
    you develop a really weak thesis
    you know it's weak as you're writing it, but you have to start somewhere. you tell yourself that you will change it as you read it over and cringe.
  2. 2.
    you visit jstor
    though it claims to have an infinite amount of sources, guaranteed only one sentence of one article written in the 80s will be useful for your paper
  3. 3.
    you start to write your introduction
    "hey this isn't bad! I can write some more tomorrow!"
  4. 4.
    you start to write the rest of the essay
    and you have no clear direction because your thesis is still shit and you feel lost. any confidence you had while you wrote the introduction is totally gone.
  5. 5.
    you slowly realize that you are in essay purgatory
    it's taking you forever to write anything and whatever you write is unrelated to your still shitty thesis.
  6. 6.
    you go catatonic
    this is when I usually play bubble spinner, or start a list called "the stages of essay purgatory"
  7. 7.
    no one really knows how you get out of essay purgatory at this point. it's still one of the greatest theological and metaphysical questions of our time.