Paul Simon's 51st Through 60th Ways to Leave Your Lover

Some of these came from Garfunkel, though.
  1. Publicly bang her aunt, Grant
  2. Plan her totally accidental death, Seth
  3. Attach a note to the collar of her indoor-outdoor cat, Matt
  4. Stubbornly refuse to speak to her even though you live together and are both on the lease for the apartment, Brent
  5. Throw her stuff out your first-floor window, Joe
  6. Tell her you're gay instead, Ted
  7. Belittle her until she can't go on, Don
  8. Step over the railing and take a fall, Saul
  9. Lay on the couch accumulating a sedimentary crust of Cheeto dust in front of your XBox, friendless and with not the slightest hint of initiative (curdling into anthropoid cottage cheese), until you become such an ineffable solipsist that the very thought that she let a subhuman Morlock like you she fuck her makes her sick, Rick
  10. Change your Facebook relationship status, Russ