Unforgivable Atrocities My Mother Has Committed

happy mothers day b*tch. call your moms
  1. 1.
    She once wore khaki capri pants with white sneakers and white socks that came up to the bottom of the pants. I had to follow this woman around Niagara Falls.
  2. 2.
    She confessed to me that after dropping my brother and I off at school she would sometimes drive through a McDonald's on her way to work and devour two bacon egg & cheeses in the parking lot.
    This can be forgiven because I've done the same.
  3. 3.
    When I was like 12 she brought me to her 7 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting and I was forced to eat spaghetti squash out of a Dixie cup.
  4. 4.
    She has been yelled at repeatedly by ushers at Broadway musicals for trying to take pictures before the show.
  5. 5.
  6. 6.
    She was late to pick me up from a youth group corn maze because she wasn't finished watching Garfield yet.
    I was the last child there. And I got no lasagna.
  7. 7.
    She likes to lose weight (see #3) and then wear my clothes like this is Gilmore Girls or something.
  8. 8.
    Despite her incorrigible and reckless behavior, this is the first year we're not spending Mothers Day together and IT'S ALL HER FAULT.
    It's my fault. I moved to New York. Sorry mom.