Unforgivable Atrocities My Mother Has Committed
happy mothers day b*tch. call your moms
- 1.She once wore khaki capri pants with white sneakers and white socks that came up to the bottom of the pants. I had to follow this woman around Niagara Falls.
- 2.She confessed to me that after dropping my brother and I off at school she would sometimes drive through a McDonald's on her way to work and devour two bacon egg & cheeses in the parking lot.This can be forgiven because I've done the same.
- 3.When I was like 12 she brought me to her 7 a.m. Weight Watchers meeting and I was forced to eat spaghetti squash out of a Dixie cup.
- 4.She has been yelled at repeatedly by ushers at Broadway musicals for trying to take pictures before the show.
- 5.HER CAMERA FLASH IS ALWAYS ON.
- 6.She was late to pick me up from a youth group corn maze because she wasn't finished watching Garfield yet.I was the last child there. And I got no lasagna.
- 7.She likes to lose weight (see #3) and then wear my clothes like this is Gilmore Girls or something.
- 8.Despite her incorrigible and reckless behavior, this is the first year we're not spending Mothers Day together and IT'S ALL HER FAULT.It's my fault. I moved to New York. Sorry mom.