My Favorite Quotes From My Friends Saved in My Phone

Not sure if any one else will think these are funny ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  1. "My Aunt thinks that Sting wrote every song about her"
  2. "You guys I found out today that my goat is dying from polio" :(
  3. "I would give someone a blowjob right now if they took us to Wendy's!"
    Things ppl say when drunk and wanting a frostee
  4. "When I was little I didn't want to be a Spice Girl, I wanted to be Fred Durst."
    Tomboy phase
  5. "Did I ever tell you about the time my Lil Nana accidentally gave me and my brothers speed at a funeral?"
  6. "I can't get a cold sore before church camp... I just can't!"
    #tbt when church camp was cool / teen angst
  7. "This is like Lord of the Flies but with cookie dough"
    Friends sharing leftover cookie dough gets hostile quickly
  8. "the Quaker Oates guy is pretty hot.. I mean you know he's got good morals and that he is a pacifist"
  9. "Look at us... Three divas riding around in a Lexus... We're just like Destiny's Child!"
  10. "You would not believe the shit you have to go through to get Carrot Top in a movie. I mean, the guy is asking for a jacquzzi on wheels with bullet proof glass around it"
    Pretending to be Carrot Top's booking agent while really stoned
  11. "I love you like a baby needs its mama and like a doggy needs drama"
  12. "Grayson, how much would we have to pay you for your career to be jacking off horses?" -"I don't know, I'd almost for sure get carpal tunnel syndrome"
  13. "alien babies are delivered to president Obama in ice coolers"