An Educated Guess: The World Will End on a St. Patrick's Day
- •The cops will be busy.Once, during a St. Patrick's day party, my friend and I were searching for a friend who was lost. My friend opened the back door to a building, believing it to be the apartment building our other friend was in, and found himself in the police station. I helped by staying outside and telling a mounted cop to get his "horsey" out of my face.
- •Aliens will be spurred to action by grown men peeing in the street.I'll admit, Vorp, I was on the fence about this mission, but I'm ready now.
- •The human race will wipe itself out by eating undercooked pizza.Because if you were the pizza man holding back a mob of starving drunks, you'd pull the pies out early too. And if you were part of the mob, you'd know you were getting ripped off but eat it anyway.
- •Chicago will already look like an apocalyptic mess, so why not?The river is green! BREAK EVERYTHING!
- •All the bar employees who have to clean up the pre-8 a.m. Guinness that runs off your face and ends up on the floor have been working on a globe-incinerating nuke for years.They call it "The Irish Car Bomb, But Like Everywhere and For Real, You Goddamn Animals"