1. The cops will be busy.
    Once, during a St. Patrick's day party, my friend and I were searching for a friend who was lost. My friend opened the back door to a building, believing it to be the apartment building our other friend was in, and found himself in the police station. I helped by staying outside and telling a mounted cop to get his "horsey" out of my face.
  2. Aliens will be spurred to action by grown men peeing in the street.
    I'll admit, Vorp, I was on the fence about this mission, but I'm ready now.
  3. The human race will wipe itself out by eating undercooked pizza.
    Because if you were the pizza man holding back a mob of starving drunks, you'd pull the pies out early too. And if you were part of the mob, you'd know you were getting ripped off but eat it anyway.
  4. Chicago will already look like an apocalyptic mess, so why not?
    The river is green! BREAK EVERYTHING!
  5. All the bar employees who have to clean up the pre-8 a.m. Guinness that runs off your face and ends up on the floor have been working on a globe-incinerating nuke for years.
    They call it "The Irish Car Bomb, But Like Everywhere and For Real, You Goddamn Animals"