Case Files From My First Grade Detective Agency
- •The case of the bus driver's eye colorShe always wore dark sunglasses, so I didn't know. This bothered me. I told her to quick, remove her glasses because a tarantula was crawling onto them. Case went cold when she yelled at me that if I got out of my seat again my parents would be notified.
- •The case of the lonely orphan girlThis was a girl I often observed playing alone on my cul de sac. Eventually she told me, "I'm not an orphan, that's my house right there. It's bigger than yours" but I knew an orphan cover story when I saw one.
- •The case of why all the boys like Courtney BAnd it wasn't the Dinosaurs lunchbox, as suggested by popular classroom theory. I had had that lunchbox for six months and no one was trying to trip me at recess.
- •The case of who got purple marker on Wilbur, the class guinea pigJust sayin, purple is Courtney B's favorite color, according to overwhelming evidence that may or may not have been planted in her desk.
- •The case of the compromised intelligenceMy partner went to a sleepover I had not been invited to, and while I certainly didn't care that all the guests returned to school that Monday with matching puff-painted totes, I did care that her bag with our official notebook in it had lain unsupervised in the birthday girl's Florida room for 12 hours. Nothing to do but go lone wolf after this.
- •The case of why I didn't make the talent showBecause when a girl doing her Skip-It to Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" doesn't make the talent show, there's a vast conspiracy at work.
- •The case of the American Girl doll switcherooI asked Santa for Samantha, then remembered that Samantha was kind of over. On December 23rd, I announced that I would rather have Felicity. I got Felicity. I was happy, but something stunk for sure.
- •The case of Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill--what REALLY happenedI was in a little over my head here. Late night, strung out on Coke, I clipped newspaper stories, grilled my parents, looked up "sexual" and "harassment" separately in the dictionary because they weren't listed together yet. I wasn't getting anywhere. Eventually my mom convinced me to close the case and use the alphabet fridge magnets to spell out, "GO ANITA HILL." I guess you could say I let emotions get involved.