Which is what I have concluded I must be since I'm legit doing all of the following
  1. Get in touch with all your loved ones and bore them with your plans to get fit.
    If you bag it you can always pretend to have no memory of talking about it then bring up The Roosevelts.
  2. Give up your single 5:30 pm heavy beer.
    Replace with (more) grumbling on how bad the Phillies are this year.
  3. Join a gym that doesn't have any of that fancy crap.
    Whatever you're thinking of as the totally pared down gym, go five levels lower. I am sometimes the only one NOT in jeans.
  4. For your cleanse, do the GM Diet.
    It stands for General Motors, which in turn stands for a time when America meant something.
  5. Now that you're excited about manufacturing, take a brisk walk on the rusty, crumbling former site of a steel company.
    Not a metaphor, actually doing this
  6. Drink water with lemon while watching The Roosevelts.
    What is this crap? Teddy Roosevelt drank 43 cups of coffee a day, that was when men were men.