Things I Did as a Teen I'm So Sad My Kids Won't Do

  1. Make and receive mix CDs
    You can't label and hand someone an iTunes playlist. How are children supposed to show love and friendship now?
  2. Drive around endlessly
    Let's check out the Dairy Queen parking lot then the movie theater parking lot then the soccer fields parking lot then the tgi Fridays parking lot then we'll check them all three more times because it's 2001 and gas is 6 cents a gallon
  3. IM
    Downright Victorian compared to Snapchat. I miss the days when developing your identity as a teen meant an overthought buddy info, not an overthought Coachella Instagram presence
  4. Call the house of someone you have a crush on and ask their parents if you can speak with them
    If you have done this chances are job interviews are much easier for you because there is no higher-stakes, scarier interaction
  5. Pick out a movie to watch at the video store
    Slash stalk classmates at the video store, slash get caught renting a movie with your dad by cooler people at the video store and burn with shame.
  6. Be just slightly shady about whereabouts
    I'll probably be able to have a tiny neoprene drone hover over my children, transmitting a live feed back to my anti aging home spa. Meanwhile I had the epic advantage of being able to, when my mom asked for a friend's home phone number, give her their dial up Internet line.
  7. Pass paper notes
    Really why even show up for high school if this is off the table?
  8. Feel like the grownup world is big and separate and faraway and mysterious
    When I was 16, I knew I wanted to be a writer. I sent a paper letter to Evgenia Peretz at Vanity Fair telling her I loved her work and asking if she had any advice for an aspiring journalist. I can still see my mom bringing the sweet letter she wrote back on red and white VF stationery out to our above ground pool for me to read. Last week a college student who got my cell # off the Internet texted me to ask if she could interview me about journalism. Via text.
  9. Prep for freshman year of college with a print facebook
    In my day we still got a little book with everyone's adorable photos and interests and yes, many times I later recognized a guy at a party from having obsessed over his picture and no, never did I let that fact slip out.
  10. Ask someone to prom like a normal still-developing human
    What the fuck is a promposal? If you're renting industrial electrical equipment, you're working too hard.
  11. Using *67 BEFORE you call your crush's house so he can't *69 you back when you chicken out and hang up when someone picks up. I tried this once on my cell phone out of curiousity. It no longer exists.
    Suggested by   @tinabell