Times I Was the Weird Roommate

  1. When a boy asked my roommate and me what we were doing "late night" and I said "writing letters to my friends from ballet school"
  2. When I laid down in a 5x7 space, pronounced it "totally doable to live in this location," and then resented everyone over my small bedroom for the next two years
  3. When I claimed to have seen a mouse in order to have some peaceful alone time for a few hours
  4. When I did see a mouse and moved into my car for a week
  5. When I decided my roommate's boyfriend was someone catfishing her (the only pic she had of him was, ahem, the Abercrombie bag he was featured on) and set about proving my theory via an elaborate investigation, in which I tricked florists into using gender specific pronouns
  6. When, after cracking the case, I poured the small crowd that had gathered in our place shallow vodkas and gave a toast about trusting your gut