MEDICAL CONDITIONS THAT AREN'T REAL BUT THAT I HAVE IF THEY WERE

  1. Hyperautoörthography. This is a word I have literally just made up to describe the phenomenon of always having to know how something is spelled in order to be able to really say it. (Hyper=excessive, auto=self, orthography=the methodology of writing a language, that umlaut-looking thing=diaeresis.)
    A friend who experiences something similar once described it as "the ticker tape"--it's like I'm almost always seeing, not literally like a hallucination but internally in my mind's eye, how everything that is being said is spelled. Sometimes I can't remember new words or someone's name if I don't know how to spell it somehow, even if I just have to make that spelling up. Also, sometimes it feels like I can't even hear something if I don't know how it's spelled.
  2. Dorian Gray Feet
    I am hashtag blessed to look younger than my age. It appears, however, that my feet are my body's Picture of Dorian Gray: all my aging is happening there. They are verging towards decrepit.
  3. Synesthesia of needs
    Brain appears to be miswired as to where I get my needs met, i.e. working is frequently way more emotionally satisfying than human interactions. I fall in love with collaborators. Dating feels like a bad desk job. Friends are family. Music is spiritual. Etc.
  4. Adult-onset ADD
    Either I've trained my brain to endlessly browse and not focus (holla neuroplasticity)(and the internet) or I've always had it. I think actual adult-onset ADD is not a real thing.
  5. Phantom mono
    I had mono about 10 years ago and ever since, whenever I get really busy or stressed or don't sleep properly for a few days it feels like maybe I'm getting mono again. BODY, WE DON'T STILL HAVE MONO. COPE.