REASONS I'M A BROKEN HUMAN
I can only hide from my problems for so long. Could also be titled: "Reasons to See a Counselor." Or also "A v Bummer List."
- •Emotionally co-dependentI learned in my early teenage years (somehow) to depend on someone else to tell me how to feel, when to feel, and what to feel. This is a really terrible problem to have in a romantic relationship. i.e. My current one.
- •AnxietyThis really dominates most of my issues. I can remember sitting in class as a fourth grader, feeling like I was going to die if I was called on. My throat constricted and a classmate once told me my voice changes when I'm called upon. I live in a state of constant worry: What if my friend isn't replying because she hates me? What if I choose the wrong show on Netflix? I abide by one simple rule: comfort. Comfort eases anxiety, but keeps me from living.
- •Pointing blameIn my brief two year stint as a wife, I learned a really cool habit: make the other party feel guilty and responsible for my actions. It's easier when someone else is responsible for me. That way there's no way I suffer the consequences. My current man love told me that I do this one day and I was furious that he'd figured me out. It's time for a change.
- •I am not lovedI'm the oldest of three girls and I've always tested boundaries at home. That was no exception in my romantic relationships. I loved to push. To see really how far that person's love could be tested. 90% of the time, I truly believe my boyfriend doesn't love me. And then blame him for that. (See previous bullet.) I'm never surprised when they break up with me, because I never felt lovable. Weird, right?
- •Mild bouts of depressionThis one is different from anxiety. Instead of being on high alert, I feel nothing. Aimless, lost, bored, apathetic. Never happy alone.
- •Loss of identityBecause I'm co-dependent, I take on the other party's identity in whatever relationship. I'm a chronic people pleaser and it's so easy for me to lose myself in someone else. This is something I've only recently realized.
- •And those are all my dirty secrets!Counselors are here to help us. It took me two weeks to gather the courage to make an appointment, and her office is three doors down from mine. Be brave. Emotional healing takes time. Go easy on yourself, okay? I've made this list open so feel free and add why you're broken. Being broken is a good thing. It means we can be healed.