my sister is 14 and has already started asking me questions about boys and dating and kissing. in preparation for the day she asks me about sex, here's the list I'll make her read before she makes her ~sexual debut~. ((my sister is heterosexual, cisgender, and very neurotypical. this list is for her, not for everyone.))
  1. you are beautiful.
    you must know this and believe it without a shadow of a doubt before you have sex for the first time. stand in front of a full length mirror, naked, in the sunlight. forget everything this world tell us about being beautiful. now look at your body. look at your legs, your hips, your tummy, your chest, your face, your hair. understand that you, inside and out, are perfect just as you are. never let anyone make you feel less than, because you are more than enough.
  2. who's the lucky guy?
    no, I don't actually want to know his name. I want to know where you stand with him. is this your boyfriend of 8 months who treats you well, respects your body, and is going to take the time to make this a really beautiful experience? or is this a guy who maybe isn't in it for the long term but who you trust to make it a fun time for now? either (and anything in between) is perfectly fine! as long as you're excited and ready for the physical stuff, it doesn't have to be a big emotional Event.
  3. use a condom.
    have you been on birth control a few months already? good, now go google how to put on a condom. don't give him the option of not using one, no matter what he says. saying with a smile on your face "no condom, no sex" is efficient if he's particularly dense.
  4. learn how to give yourself an orgasm before you expect an idiot teenage boy to do it for you.
    we still live in a society that treats the female orgasm like a unicorn. unfortunately, the chances of you finding a teenage guy who's really good at making women cum are incredibly slim. learn what feels good to you by DIYing it, then...
  5. be honest and communicate.
    if he's touching you but it doesn't really feel that good, don't pretend like it does. if he can't take the hint, move his somewhere else (preferably somewhere you figured out feels great during your self-exploratory period, wink wink). when something feels good, don't be afraid to let your body react naturally. if that means arching your back or pulling his hair or making noises, do it! it'll let him know what works and what doesn't.
  6. relax...
    sex should not be painful, ever. take the time to get really turned on before you try any penetration. if you're not wet enough on your own, either use lube or some good ol spit. go slowly and find the angle that feels good. if this means trying a few positions before it really *works*, go for it! he is NOT gonna complain if you ask to get on top or turn over or spread your legs wider or anything that gets him inside you. when you get it right, you'll know. trust me.
  7. demand your orgasm.
    he's gonna finish. that's a given. you know what else should be a given? YOU FINISHING TOO. if he's any decent type of guy he'll ask if you came and go down on you until you do, but if you haven't come yet and he's throwing the condom away and putting his boxers on, speak up! smile, toss your hair, slowly touch yourself, and say "can I get some help here? I haven't finished yet". if he doesn't dive into your privates immediately, kick his ass to the curb.
  8. a post-coital recap is never a bad idea.
    clean up, lay back down, and chat. linger on what worked, be honest about what didn't, laugh, plan next time, etc. setting a precedent for honest communication about sex will serve you well in the long term, with this guy and anyone else. *this only really applies if you want to have sex with this guy again. if it was a fling that was mostly physical and you don't see it going anywhere, it's perfectly fine to clean up, kiss a little, and say goodbye.
  9. be cautious about who you share what with about this. keep some things for just yourself.
    it's natural to want to tell your best friends about this awesome new experience, and swapping stories is fun as hell. however, oversharing makes some people uncomfortable and to be perfectly honest, you'll want to keep a few things to yourself. it's kind of beautiful to look back and remember that one special thing he did or said that no one else knows about besides you.
    you're gonna have a great time. sex is fun and nothing to be anxious about! love yourself, trust your partner, and be safe.