Are you awake?

Instead of texting him i'll say it all here because whenever he sees a lot of words in a text he says it's a novel and doesn't wanna read it :-) even though all those words might be important :-) we really haven't talked in two days :-) im literally brimming with words ALL THE TIME
  1. Where in new york are you right now? I know you have basketball I just have no idea what your schedule is like this and next week
  2. What will things be like when I get back?
    I have this pervasive fear that people are as trustworthy with commitment as like, cheap tape. I just feel like if i'm not enough for you always then you're gonna get bored and wanna screw another girl. The week before break I caught you texting another girl. That fucked my already bad anxiety. What the fuck am i supposed to expect for this next semester? I want to be with you but not if it hurts and is so much incongruence
  3. Do you like talking on the phone? It'd be really nice if we could facetime and you could do whatever and I could paint or collage or play guitar and just talk to you or be with you
  4. What have you even been up to/thinking about this break? Any realizations?
    I realized there's a lot of me i've been wanting to work on for a while (work on my spanish, read more, go running, make more art) and I have complete power to do something about it. I'd tell you if you asked.
  5. What do you think of me?
    I hope it's not shallow to miss your touch and attention so much. I sometimes try to imagine your voice in my head, or your eye color, because I really don't think I remember them accurately.
  6. What are your fantasies?
    I imagine us traveling and wearing all the streetwear in those music videos and laughing all over the world
  7. I still don't understand your love language.
    It's so easy to be super skeptical when you're away from someone for long. Like one day i'll be doing my own thing, and the next i'll think that your emotionless texts are an obvious flag that we're not working. Why can't we talk like normalllllllll
  8. We're not used to communicating through phones. We're used to being with each other in most of the hours we're free at school. So I get how this is hard, plus we're literally living our own lives this winter break, but when i'm with all my gross friends and their significant others, I just wish I got *something* from you
  9. I know I can't expect you to read my mind. But i'm too paranoid to tell you. I'm afraid that when I see a therapist about my mental illness, you'll be scared instead of wanting to help.
    And I really, REALLY need someone who wants to help
  10. Remember when you said you were keeping my favorite sweatshirt because it fit you perfectly, and I said I wanted it back because it feels like a hug when I'm sad, and you said "now you have me to hug you when you're sad"
    It wasn't that long ago, it just made me feel right with being with you. I love you and wish I could hug you right now.