Thank you @mollyyeh. I had fun making this list. Fun fact: 8,000 fortune cookies are made in one hour.
  1. There will be wifi in the afterlife.
  2. You don't listen to music the way you used to.
  3. Ask yourself, "Why didn't I order dessert?"
  4. All those years of piano practice have gone to waste.
  5. A sloth will visit you at your doorstep in exactly 2 years.
  6. Store a carton of sour cream upside down, it will last longer.
  7. Tiny puppies will kiss you in the near future.
  8. Suffering from writer's block. Better luck next time.
  9. Call your mom. She misses you.
  10. Shh...I thought you were on a "diet." Crumple me up. I won't tell.
  11. Now would be a good time to take a nap.
  12. You've got it all wrong, Drake isn't sad.
  13. Your provincialism is holding you back.
  14. Overthinking keeps you going. Don't stop.