HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY

  1. Develop a killer thesis
    Ex: "Pies are sublime."
  2. Research
    If you're writing about pies, please take this time to eat as many pies as humanly possible.
  3. Create an outline
    Or just draw doodles with connected points. Maybe make a PIE CHART outline. Ha! Get it?
  4. Start typing
    Use as many big words as possible. Alliteration is key. Make up one or two new words as you go.
  5. Format
    Basically, add page numbers, standardize the margins, add fancy pictures to "enhance the aesthetic quality of your literary achievement." Or just to fill up space.
  6. Print
    Also, awkwardly cuddle the printed copy - the warmth off the hot-off-the-press document will rejuvenate your soul.
  7. Cry
    Either a) tears of joy b) tears of suffering c) tears of I'm-so-full-from-the-copious-amounts-of-pie-I-just-consumed