Some FAKE NEWS You Didn't Know About Your Favorite Harry Potter Characters:
- •Hermione GrangerSecretly aided in funding the return of Voldemort and re-recruiting of over 250 Death Eaters using money she stole from the toothless children her dentist parents operated on. She would break into their homes before the Tooth Fairy using the Alohomora charm, all so more rich, white, Dark Wizards would own House Elves as slaves so there would be more House Elves to free, solidifying her biggest campaign for Minister Of Magic (M.O.M.), the "heroic fight for the justice of all magical creatures."
- •Harry PotterRecently revealed in an exclusive interview with The Daily Prophet that "The Boy Who Lived life, destroying Voldemort, taking on the Ministry, and fighting with his best friend, Ron," was always just a distraction from his true passion: quilting. According to the article, for all his life, Potter always stashed away a secret patch project, and even bestselling biographer J.K. Rowling never knew. "I always felt the expectation to become an Auror, but what I really wanted to do was quilt."
- •Ron WeasleyHeld secret affairs with 12 garden gnomes throughout his marriage to famed friend and ex-wife, M.O.M., Hermione Granger-Weasley. After tiring with each affair, he murdered the gnomes and severed their heads with an "Oathbreaker" charm, mounting the busts in the hall of beheaded house elves in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The Ministry of Magic is now investigating the London townhome's owner, Harry Potter, for his accused knowledge, compliance, and potential involvement in the nefarious murders.
- •Albums DumbledoreSecretly fathered seven children with Minerva McGonagall during an assumed mid-life crisis and deranged hypothesis about a crime-fighting core of seven powerful witch and wizard siblings that would have, in his desperate mind, "been able to vanquish even the darkest witches, wizards, and forces of our time and their future." When he became more interested in The Harry Potter Project™, Dumbledore allowed Molly and Arthur Weasley to adopt all seven children and had them disguised as gingers.