THINGS MY DAD HAS SAID TO ME

  1. 1.
    "I went to brunch with your mom this morning and now I think I might be gay."
    After enjoying a vegetarian omelet with arugula and edamame
  2. 2.
    "Come on - everyone knows that Snopes is a liberal website!"
  3. 3.
    "Careful - don't burn your vagina."
    While handing me a hot cup of coffee from McDonalds
  4. 4.
    "The Supreme Court! Well - you come up with the rest. But there's got to be something funny there. You're the comedian."
    After calling to tell me he had something hilarious that I could use in my act
  5. 5.
    "You sure Michelle Obama's going to let you do that?"
    After requesting that I pass him the salt
  6. 6.
    "Recycling? Oh, that's a scam."
  7. 7.
    "You ever have that stuff Skinny Pop? The trick is to toss it in the microwave and add some butter and salt."
  8. 8.
    "Ahmadinejad! And then you say something funny about how crazy he is."
    Another joke that he gave me permission to use
  9. 9.
    "Feel free to quote me - but I think your mom might get mad if you do it to her."