COMPULSIVE(?) REACTIONS I'VE HAD TO TRAUMA
The other day I was thinking about these behaviors and what they are and what purpose they serve and how some have really shaped me. And this felt like a good (albeit frightening) place to share.
- •My Mom told me she had cancer.I spent the next 6 years on a bike, training hours a day,reading about training, counting calories learning heart rate stuff. I was 12
- •My dog fell through the ice on our pool and after looking for months it melted. We found him.I only ate ravioli w red sauce for like 3 months.
- •My Moms cancer got worse.I had to touch everything an even number of times. Or see it an even number of times. Or else pretty much everyone would die. This led to a lot of blinking and pretending to bump back into people who had bumped me but JUST ONCE. I called them "brain quests" and told nobody, a therapist may have called them something else.
- •Doping/steroids became a completely undeniable part of the sport I had devoted years to (cycling) and had loved cause of its purity.I compulsively smoked pot. Funny that finding drugs in one place sent me to them in another place.
- •My high school lacrosse Coach had a heart attack and died. He had pulled me out of my post cycling freak out and shown me a path.I think no sound went into my ears but Bruce Springsteen's version of Atlantic City for months.
- •When my Mom was in the hospital late in the game.I would sleep on the floor of her room mostly. But anytime out of there was spent watching "Hot Tub Time Machine" I think I watched it straight through 15 times.
- •My Mom died.This one is harder to pare down. A number of things occurred but a strong weird one was just saying "teapot" over and over in my head. It was like a mantra. Except just of nothing. Which was all my brain could handle.