COMPULSIVE(?) REACTIONS I'VE HAD TO TRAUMA

The other day I was thinking about these behaviors and what they are and what purpose they serve and how some have really shaped me. And this felt like a good (albeit frightening) place to share.
  1. My Mom told me she had cancer.
    I spent the next 6 years on a bike, training hours a day,reading about training, counting calories learning heart rate stuff. I was 12
  2. My dog fell through the ice on our pool and after looking for months it melted. We found him.
    I only ate ravioli w red sauce for like 3 months.
  3. My Moms cancer got worse.
    I had to touch everything an even number of times. Or see it an even number of times. Or else pretty much everyone would die. This led to a lot of blinking and pretending to bump back into people who had bumped me but JUST ONCE. I called them "brain quests" and told nobody, a therapist may have called them something else.
  4. Doping/steroids became a completely undeniable part of the sport I had devoted years to (cycling) and had loved cause of its purity.
    I compulsively smoked pot. Funny that finding drugs in one place sent me to them in another place.
  5. My high school lacrosse Coach had a heart attack and died. He had pulled me out of my post cycling freak out and shown me a path.
    I think no sound went into my ears but Bruce Springsteen's version of Atlantic City for months.
  6. When my Mom was in the hospital late in the game.
    I would sleep on the floor of her room mostly. But anytime out of there was spent watching "Hot Tub Time Machine" I think I watched it straight through 15 times.
  7. My Mom died.
    This one is harder to pare down. A number of things occurred but a strong weird one was just saying "teapot" over and over in my head. It was like a mantra. Except just of nothing. Which was all my brain could handle.