Memo - To All Michaels Employees

Distribution: All Stores
  1. My Fellow Employees,
  2. It is a special time.
    Summer has finally arrived in our northern stores, and the aisles will be swarming with pasty white, geriatric, varicose-veined butterscotch candy pushers looking for their velvet fabric and porcelain figurine fix.
  3. But beyond that, it is special because of some confidential information the Board feels is important you are made aware of at this time.
  4. We are in negotiations to acquire Jo-Ann Fabrics.
    That's right! The rumors are true!!!
  5. That STD-filled spoogebucket has finally accepted she's a washed up, degenerate hack who's incapable of running a craft store conglomerate.
    She's my sister but this is business. She'll be lucky to get a penny on the dollar for her inventory, that fucking bitch. Shouldn't have given me so many wet-willies growing up.
  6. I digress. The purpose of this memo is to assist our employees in dealing with the inevitable questions that will come up from our customers and possibly the press.
  7. 1) Do not outright lie and say that you aren't aware of any negotiations or that Jo-Ann Fabrics may be going out of business.
    Deflect and say "I have heard the rumors as well."
  8. 2) If pressed, do not say "fuck those losers" or "I hope Jo-Ann Fabric stores burn here on earth and in hell for all eternity."
    While being Corporate mission statements, they could appear unprofessional and/or uncaring during this negotiation period.
  9. 3) Please continue to accept Jo-Ann Fabric coupons until advised otherwise.
  10. 4) Please stop drawing dicks on the walls in the bathroom stalls.
    This is the last time I'm going to warn you, Dayton OH!
  11. 5) Continue to own the craft marketplace like the fucking rock stars you are.
    We will own Jo-Ann's cunty ass soon enough and then we can piss all over those urinal cake losers at HobbyLobby.
  12. Sincerely,
    Michael