Memo - To All Michaels Employees
Distribution: All Stores
- •My Fellow Employees,
- •It is a special time.Summer has finally arrived in our northern stores, and the aisles will be swarming with pasty white, geriatric, varicose-veined butterscotch candy pushers looking for their velvet fabric and porcelain figurine fix.
- •But beyond that, it is special because of some confidential information the Board feels is important you are made aware of at this time.
- •We are in negotiations to acquire Jo-Ann Fabrics.That's right! The rumors are true!!!
- •That STD-filled spoogebucket has finally accepted she's a washed up, degenerate hack who's incapable of running a craft store conglomerate.She's my sister but this is business. She'll be lucky to get a penny on the dollar for her inventory, that fucking bitch. Shouldn't have given me so many wet-willies growing up.
- •I digress. The purpose of this memo is to assist our employees in dealing with the inevitable questions that will come up from our customers and possibly the press.
- •1) Do not outright lie and say that you aren't aware of any negotiations or that Jo-Ann Fabrics may be going out of business.Deflect and say "I have heard the rumors as well."
- •2) If pressed, do not say "fuck those losers" or "I hope Jo-Ann Fabric stores burn here on earth and in hell for all eternity."While being Corporate mission statements, they could appear unprofessional and/or uncaring during this negotiation period.
- •3) Please continue to accept Jo-Ann Fabric coupons until advised otherwise.
- •4) Please stop drawing dicks on the walls in the bathroom stalls.This is the last time I'm going to warn you, Dayton OH!
- •5) Continue to own the craft marketplace like the fucking rock stars you are.We will own Jo-Ann's cunty ass soon enough and then we can piss all over those urinal cake losers at HobbyLobby.