THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS
Just when I thought I said all I can say... you know, like Usher sang
- •I lied to a catholic priest when I did my first confession.
- •I fake snored when my dad would check on me late at night.
- •I stole a prayer hymnal and then used it to pretend I was a priest to bless my sister by giving out cheezits and apple juice.
- •I believed there was a toe monster that would eat my feet if I didn't wear socks to bed.
- •I thought a joint was an old cigarette when I saw someone smoke for the first time.
- •I stole a fake lipstick from Goodwill when I was six.
- •I let my phone keep ringing so I can keep scrolling on Instagram.
- •I was naked under my cap and gown for awards night when I had to stand in front of the entire school.
- •I was 17 when I got drunk off Smirnoff Ices in a hotel room.
- •I forged my dad's signature in high school.
- •I was too embarrassed to have my dad sign the permission slip to watch the puberty video at school so I said we were watching Moby Dick instead.
- •I wear headphones in public without music playing sometimes so I don't have to talk to anyone.
- •I was almost arrested in college.
- •I cried in the bathroom of a park when I was convinced my dad was drunk after seeing him drink alcohol for the first and only time at an office BBQ. It was a Mike's Hard Lemonade.
- •I'm not religious, but I recite the Hail Mary prayer to myself before the plane I'm on lands.
- •I ate a half scoop of ice cream off the top of my pancakes at a restaurant until I realized halfway through the bite it was butter.