THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME AS THEIR LYFT DRIVER

I started to drive for Lyft this week in San Francisco for some extra money. And maybe I just have a face that people want to tell things to, but people are definitely willing to share...
  1. "Ben the hottie from LA was totally okay with wanting to be together after I told him I was pregnant with another mans child so he obviously doesn't get that this isn't going to work"
  2. "I'm definitely not one of those people that can be a day drinker into a night drinker. I just feel worse at night."
  3. "I'm peer pressurey for sure but not peer pressurey when it comes to drinking."
  4. "I just don't know if I can live with him anymore after I slept with his friend. I mean it was one time, you know?"
  5. "My fish is bullying my other fish and I looked it up and it's a real thing. It eat the other ones tail but I guess it can grow back. I can home from work and one of them had jumped out of the vase. My fish committed suicide, isn't that fucked up?"
  6. "I read this thing about people dying and seeing the light and it's all about reincarnation. You see the light because that's you going into your reincarnated self and you cry because you're getting squeezed through a vagina all over again."
  7. "I just don't think I can settle for second rate anymore. If I can't find someone that isn't okay with me having time alone and not being around them every second of every day then maybe I should be single."
  8. "Sometimes you need to save your flashy J.Lo jumpsuit for a nice lounge bar."
  9. "His grandpa is staying with us in Tahoe but he's like basically dead already."
  10. "I'm so glad you didn't turn out to be a selfie whore."
  11. "I'm going to drink tonight but I can't drink the rest of the weekend."
  12. "I figured if I get home by 2, I can sleep for 8 hours and still make it to soulcycle by 11, right?"
  13. "That jacket makes you look like you're wearing a dead dog. And not in a good way."
  14. "That wine made me want to curl up and listen to Celine Dion sing me that Titanic song."
  15. "A lot of times, I can't tell if a guy is homeless or just a hipster. That's a problem for me."
  16. "Sometimes you just like the way a woman smells."
  17. "I don't think I can come home with you because I really just want to go to sleep and I know that's not what we're gonna do."
  18. "I was a skateboarder for a month. That was when I got my DUI and I needed another mode of transportation."
  19. "I don't know how she runs that website. It's like buy a vat of organic bee pollen and one teaspoon is $132 but make sure you take a swig of that mixed with gravel because it's the best cleanse. Bitch, I don't want rocks in my teeth."
  20. "For the record, Christopher Columbus was a dick. Colonizing a new world? Definite dick move."
  21. "Miley Cyrus's real name is Destinee with two ee's. That's a stripper name if ive ever heard one."
  22. "People shouldn't name their kids weird shit. I knew a girl named Cinnamon. Why would you do that? No one is rushing out to name their kid Tumeric."
  23. "Do you ever wonder if Beyoncé was spelling her name out and accidentally hit the accent over the e and was like oh, this looks good?"
  24. "You're the sweetest slut I've ever slept with."
  25. "I feel like Shawn didn't know he was gay until I tried dry humping his leg."
  26. "What do you want to do with your life? And why aren't you doing it?"
  27. "He was definitely looking through the peephole and that's why I couldn't sleep with you."
  28. "Ooo girl, lemme see your nails. Yasss I wish I still had my acrylics but when I was looking into prostitution, you can't fist with them on."
  29. "My dad voted for trump and my aunt told him to go fuck himself when we got drunk and talked about him at Christmas."
  30. "Derek is such a Derek."
  31. "You threw a shitfit for me not coming out tonight. But I didn't throw a shit fit when you were too busy watching Gangs of New York for the fifth time on Tuesday!"
  32. "For your birthday you want to grab brunch in the marina then go to la taqueria and then watch a shitty indie movie in the mission, don't you?"
  33. "Michelle, what I need you to do is park the car and come inside to have a drink with us. Who can resist a scorpion bowl? We live two blocks away. You can crash on our pullout couch. It's comfy and I've slept on it before."
  34. "Is this a sleuthfest? Do I have to outsleuth you before you outsleuth me?"
  35. "Tradr Sam's should just say 'hey, you're not making it to work tomorrow' on their door."
  36. "I just have to say, from one dude to another, you're an attractive guy."
  37. "Every time I forget what love is, I look up the first man that crushed my heart. He was a senior in college and I was a sophomore. I thought he was my everything. It turns out now he is a registered sex offender for touching little boys. It's not funny, but I know now I wasn't young enough for him. I see what my life could have been."
  38. "Men. You can't live with them. You can't wear them down."
  39. "He is totally a Leo and you know how I feel about dating Leo men."
  40. "Why are all these grown men on a god damn razor scooter?"
  41. "I'm so glad you called. I did my first ayahuasca ceremony on the third and fourth and it was transformative."
  42. "People in Texas just don't get it when I call you a goddess."
  43. "We can't be late to the Death Guild."
  44. "Valentine's Day is just a shitty excuse for my mom to remind me I'm still not married. Ugh, sorry. I'm so drunk."
  45. "I've never had a Girl Scout cookie before. Wait. Do they actually make all the cookies to sell?"
  46. "Honestly, the Girl Scouts should team up with Puff, Pass and Paint. Can you imagine how much money they'd make?!"
  47. "Speaking of getting peed on, you missed out on quite a night in Montana."
  48. "I was just stoned off my ass and the waiter kept bringing me more and more chips. I don't even think the salsa was that good- I was just so high. It was like tomato water."
  49. "You sang the shit out of some Bob Seger tonight."
  50. "As a grown man, how do you not have the urge to just pee wherever you want? You can pee standing up for gods sake. I have to hunch down and pray no one sees."
  51. "It's only when things are stable in your life that makes you think about settling down."
  52. "People our age are too afraid to commit to a real relationship. My parents have been together for over 30 years. Now people are just hoping to not get divorced."
  53. "I know I said I was done with the broke artist type, but you should see the shit this guy Falco does. I'd fuck with him heavy."
  54. "He looks like a man pig. I don't say that lightly. He looks like fuckfaced, shitty little man pig."
  55. "You know Matt. I know you know Matt. Short. No hair. Looks like a thumb."
  56. "She's lived a crazy life. And her cousin was on that P. Diddy show Making the Band."
  57. "I don't want your snail trail shit on my face."
  58. "Go back to using your Korean 5 step beauty regiment and I'll keep buying that proactiv from the middle of a mall."
  59. "I read my horoscope today and it said beware of Friday the 3rd because it's easier to sit back and not say anything. Of course that's the day I'm seeing my ex husband."
  60. "I'm so sorry. I had a little too much sake at dinner today. I can hear me slurring my words... please don't give me one star."
  61. "Oh fuck off. I can tell her personal stories if I want. Michelle? Is that your name? You can park the car and come inside to get a drink with us and I can tell you all about the time he shit his pants in the car. Oh, too personal?"
  62. "Everyone loves a good woo."
  63. "My strongest memory of mannequins is the movie Backdraft."
  64. "Kids are really smart. I got in trouble for setting the clocks ahead two hours and my mom told me I was in the hot seat. And I got in more trouble for saying there weren't any wires because I genuinely didn't understand how the seat could be hot if it wasn't plugged into the wall."
  65. "Don't fall in love with a married man."
  66. "I need to be home in ten minutes because I have to start my shamanic journey."
  67. "Your dad told me I needed to start keeping a dream journal."
  68. "It just didn't feel like a tranny bar kind of night. And you know how much I love those bars."
  69. "Fucking gentrification. It went from being a dive bar to Pliny the Elder!"
  70. "You can drop me off right here, unless you want to come inside and smoke a bowl with me."
  71. "I guess I should have researched what we were going to. Especially if the highlight in his bio was that he did a 40 hour monologue before."
  72. "Those people think they can build a spaceship and not be NASA. I'm sorry, but I didn't even get the first iPhone. I'm not going to be the first one to live in space."
  73. "Why does Tesla leave their cars lights on in the store? That weirds me out. Who is Tesla? Who does he think he is making cars? Did he just decide he wants to build some cars and was like fuck Ford, fuck Chevy. I got my own."
  74. "Jackie is a really attractive person, but her hair was not working for her tonight."
  75. "I'm not trying to make this bar musty. I don't want to feel like I'm on the New York subway."
  76. "Quinn realizes can never lose weight because then his joke isn't funny. He can't just take his shirt off if he's skinny because the joke doesn't work. Would Chris Farley still be funny if he fell on the coffee table with a six pack? No. Just look at Jonah Hill's career."
  77. "I'm so sorry I told your friend I didn't want to freak him out but I definitely wanted to marry him. Like, I know he's not fun and unchill but he's adorable."
  78. "If you do a Facebook live video, chances are I will immediately unfriend you."
  79. "You've never watched a Facebook live drag transformation that changed your life?"
  80. "Scarlett Johansson's career went to shit after Louis Vuitton put her on a pedestal for their campaign. Name a good movie she did after that ad came out."
  81. "Lindsey Lohan's career went to shit. But I'll still watch Mean Girls and miss her."
  82. "Emma Stone took over as the Hollywood red head only because she knew how to show up to set on time. I'm sure she was coked up but that's the difference between her and Lindsey- she still knew how to function."
  83. "Like, you're 25 and living at home. I think it's time you start reevaluating your life."
  84. "I went to work in the same clothes I had on yesterday. I prayed no one would say something about it."
  85. "See this house on Manzanita? This guy told me a few weeks ago, the neighbors were complaining about the smell. Turns out the cops raided the place and found it was a huge meth lab. A meth lab! In this nice neighborhood! Who would have known?"
  86. "If she was gay, you know she'd be a top."
  87. "I need to ask you a serious question and it's only because today is my cheat day and I feel like I've done really well the rest of the week... I really want Taco Bell. Would you eat something with me so I don't feel fat?"
  88. "I've asked out my professor before. Twice, actually. He said it would be unprofessional. At least I tried."
  89. "I took my mom into Good Vibrations and let's just say she's a lot more Catholic than she wanted me to believe."
  90. "Is there a vegetarian version of corned beef hash? Is it just mushed up tofu?"
  91. "I spend four years in Massachusetts and I don't consider myself a Yankee."
  92. "Stop saying you're from the Deep South. You grew up in West Virginia."
  93. "Baby, I don't care what pizza place we order from. I just want bread, cheese and sauce in my mouth."
  94. "That apartment was romantic for a serial killer."
  95. "The take away from that story was we got a refund from domino's after he screamed at the manager that he was going to go fucking nuts in the place."
  96. "Any one who wears a fedora looks like a douche, and it's worse now that it's all plastic glittery green ones."
  97. "I'm sorry but I don't need Saint Patrick's Day for a reason to drink."
  98. "It's not my fault he looks like a Who from Whoville, but I'd be the rude one if I said it out loud."