I apparently hit the maximum amount in this list (THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME AS THEIR LYFT DRIVER), but people keep sharing with me...
  1. "This is going to be a weird request but I just need you to drop off this alcohol to the other bar. I'm not getting inside but Lauren will be there to meet you. You can drink some if you want. Actually, don't. You can't drink and drive. What was I thinking?"
  2. "You definitely look out of place in the Marina if you're not wearing Lululemon and a Patagonia vest."
  3. "The Marina is a bunch of dudes with boat shoes thinking they have money."
  4. "Drake needs to stop complaining. He's Canadian. How bad can his life be?"
  5. "I need to find a guy who thinks it's socially acceptable for me to have three cats."
  6. "I'd bang the Bay Bridge. Just look at it. It's bangable."
  7. "David, you get drunk off of IPAs. You're the old man of the group."
  8. "I made up the fact that I was on a paleo diet to get out of that date. I don't even know what paleo means."
  9. "Uber is doing some Enron shit."
  10. "Do you think the doorman scammed us? He said there were 50 tickets left. Damn it, we just got tricked by the oldest trick in the book, didn't we... urgency and impulse of sale."
  11. "I had to abbreviate my cat's name from Pumpernickel to Pumps. By the time she escaped from my apartment, Pumpernickel was just a mouthful to say."
  12. "I was averaging 50 chews with that ramen. And you drank that green tea like it was a shot."
  13. "Wait, he calls your dog napkinhead because you ate food and wiped your crumbs on him?"
  14. "Get Out will make every black man never date a white woman ever again. And I can say that because I'm black. Babe, if you told me I had to meet your parents in their cabin in the woods, I'd be out of this in a heartbeat."
  15. "It wasn't until our second date that I found out he had a foot fetish."
  16. "But mom, what if I have diarrhea at school tomorrow?"
  17. "I started hanging out with you again after I left my ex wife. That's when I felt real freedom."
  18. "Don't get married. If you do, make sure it's someone you really love- not just because you both thought it was a good idea at the time."
  19. "I don't know why I do this to myself. It's a 5 day cycle where I put everything off until the weekend. Sunday comes and I'm like fuck, nothing's done."
  20. "LA has too many cars for me."
  21. "Vermont wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. But I did go on a tour of Ben and Jerrys. Is it bad if that was the highlight of my trip?"
  22. "I like ice cream as much as Joe Biden does."
  23. "I didn't know guys tucked their boners into their waistbands. I thought that was just a thing in movies."
  24. "He wasn't as Jewish as his profile made him out to be."
  25. "Nobody likes a cockblock and that's what Tara is to us."
  26. "My parents won't stop asking when I'm going to get married. I'm not even dating anyone. I thought about going real 'wedding date' on them for my sister's wedding and hire an escort. Are they hard to find?"
  27. "I wonder how much a stripper on Broadway makes."
  28. "Obama is living the dream now. Because even if he was a shitty president, there's no way in hell hes more hated than the shitshow trump has going for him."
  29. "I found out I was adopted when I looked up my genealogy. Turns out I was my family's best kept secret."
  30. "He tried cumming on my face. Never again."
  31. "Um, really not into getting choked the first time I hook up with a rando. I saw my life flash before my eyes and was like shit, no one knows I'm here."
  32. "Alec Baldwin had a voice you could fall asleep to."
  33. "I peed my pants."
  34. "His text said 'u up?' With just the letter u. Fucking tinder."
  35. "He loved his dog more than he loved me."
  36. "People will stand in line for anything here. I'm sorry but fuck you if you think I'm waiting two hours to eat brunch."
  37. "But does being wine drunk count as being drunk?"
  38. "I need someone to tell me he's a fuckboy."
  39. "My wife and I still go on dates. That's the one thing that's helped our marriage."
  40. "Sometimes you just have to be a bad bitch."
  41. "Sex when you're 30 is a whole other feeling. You're laughing because you're young and too concerned with the number. But 30 is when you just want to fuck all the time and it's never felt better."
  42. "I can't tell if I find Louis C.K hot because he's a ginger or he's old."
  43. "He got mad at me for not leaving the toilet seat down so now I can't stay at his house."
  44. "I'm not in junior high. It's like ew no, I'm not trying to fuck in the back of his car. We're adults. We can go literally anywhere else."
  45. "High school seniors weren't alive when 9/11 happened. How old does that make you feel now?"
  46. "You gotta suck a dick to see if you're into that kinda thing, you know?"
  47. "Bumble makes me feel like the guys have their shit together. Tinder is just a sea of semen waiting to explode. Literally."
  48. "How do I tell my mom my boyfriend has been fake and my roommate is actually my girlfriend?"
  49. "My tire got stuck in the track and I broke my arm. I couldn't tell anyone I ate shit off my bike so I said I got mugged."
  50. "I just want to see some hunky Jesus's."
  51. "I threw up on the bartender. Not my shining moment."
  52. "Dating is like pants. You find a good fit until you wear them out and then throw them away."
  53. "Everyone has a thizz face. Mine is basically a double chin and my tongue out."
  54. "Fuck Randy Newman."
  55. "I told him I hated him as much as I hate Trump because the fire of a thousand suns didn't seem like much of a comparison."
  56. "You know it's legit Mexican food when that burrito is wrapped in foil and has that yellow paper too."
  57. "I sent my boss a bag of dicks and he still doesn't know it was me."
  58. "There's people I always wonder what they are up to. And Tosh 2.0 is not one of them."
  59. "He has a douchebag face. Don't act offended. You know what I mean."
  60. "If you're Latina, there's no such thing as a 'no carb diet'. Do you know what tortillas are made of? Pure carbs."
  61. "He has a dumb face. I feel bad for saying it but he looks like he failed math in college."
  62. "Line dancing isn't sexy."
  63. "I've never been more offended in my life. Like yes, Spotify, of course I want to listen to Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney again and again."
  64. "I felt like poking his eye to see if it would be like a snail and retract itself back in."
  65. "He looked like he'd be kinky in bed."
  66. "I had to explain to my boss what crumping is. I was like um, have you ever seen a Channing Tatum movie? Magic Mike? Step Up? Dear John? I'm sure he dances in that too."
  67. "Eating donut holes make me feel better because I trick myself into thinking I'm eating less."
  68. "I slept with my boss. Definitely not asking for a raise now."
  69. "Of course I have an extra pair of panties in my purse. Dude... you never know when you'll need them."
  70. "Two things I'll always swipe left for: if your eyes are dead and you'd look like you'd murder me or you use too many emojis in your bio."
  71. "We broke the headboard at the hotel. Really hoping they don't contact my boss about that incidental."
  72. "It's hotter than the devil's dick out here."
  73. "If I wanted someone to mansplain to me how I did something wrong, I would have called my dad... not you."
  74. "Eh, my days been okay. I sat around my house in my underwear with the fan blowing on me until you got here."
  75. "Let's be real. Someone has seen my ass tonight."
  76. "I'm not wasting ten bucks on some damn avocado toast. I don't care how good it is."
  77. "Pride has made me realize how sex positive I can be."
  78. "He was wearing a leather mask and assless chaps. I don't care how drunk you were, that's not a path you want to go down. Literally."
  79. "I just dropped my ice cream so my day turned to shit."
  80. "I have glitter in crevices I didn't know existed on my body."
  81. "The only time I'm happy to get my period is after I have sex without a condom."
  82. "I think I gained ten pounds just thinking about eating all those pastries."
  83. "You look like a frat boy in that hat."
  84. "I ate a whole row of Oreos waiting for you."
  85. "I couldn't find my underwear before I left his place. They weren't my date ones anyways."
  86. "I'm not sleeping with someone that got their moves from porn. My leg does not bend that way."
  87. "I know the person I want to end up with is someone that puts ranch on just about everything."
  88. "I'm just not that into anal."
  89. "It says a lot about the type of person you are if you googled how much you could sell your worn thong for."
  90. "My son shit his pants at school. I'm not mad. I'm impressed he kept it from us this long."
  91. "The Mission is just so white now. No offense."
  92. "He looks like he's just begging to be pegged."
  93. "But like, what does rice milk taste like? Rice or milk?"
  94. "Jon Hamm was actually hot in Baby Driver."
  95. "Yeah but what percent of fleshlights were bought as a joke originally, but the guy was kinda down for it since he didn't have to buy one himself?"