I apparently hit the maximum amount in this list (THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME AS THEIR LYFT DRIVER), but people keep sharing with me...
  1. "This is going to be a weird request but I just need you to drop off this alcohol to the other bar. I'm not getting inside but Lauren will be there to meet you. You can drink some if you want. Actually, don't. You can't drink and drive. What was I thinking?"
  2. "You definitely look out of place in the Marina if you're not wearing Lululemon and a Patagonia vest."
  3. "The Marina is a bunch of dudes with boat shoes thinking they have money."
  4. "Drake needs to stop complaining. He's Canadian. How bad can his life be?"
  5. "I need to find a guy who thinks it's socially acceptable for me to have three cats."
  6. "I'd bang the Bay Bridge. Just look at it. It's bangable."
  7. "David, you get drunk off of IPAs. You're the old man of the group."
  8. "I made up the fact that I was on a paleo diet to get out of that date. I don't even know what paleo means."
  9. "Uber is doing some Enron shit."
  10. "Do you think the doorman scammed us? He said there were 50 tickets left. Damn it, we just got tricked by the oldest trick in the book, didn't we... urgency and impulse of sale."
  11. "I had to abbreviate my cat's name from Pumpernickel to Pumps. By the time she escaped from my apartment, Pumpernickel was just a mouthful to say."
  12. "I was averaging 50 chews with that ramen. And you drank that green tea like it was a shot."
  13. "Wait, he calls your dog napkinhead because you ate food and wiped your crumbs on him?"
  14. "Get Out will make every black man never date a white woman ever again. And I can say that because I'm black. Babe, if you told me I had to meet your parents in their cabin in the woods, I'd be out of this in a heartbeat."
  15. "It wasn't until our second date that I found out he had a foot fetish."
  16. "But mom, what if I have diarrhea at school tomorrow?"
  17. "I started hanging out with you again after I left my ex wife. That's when I felt real freedom."
  18. "Don't get married. If you do, make sure it's someone you really love- not just because you both thought it was a good idea at the time."
  19. "I don't know why I do this to myself. It's a 5 day cycle where I put everything off until the weekend. Sunday comes and I'm like fuck, nothing's done."
  20. "LA has too many cars for me."
  21. "Vermont wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. But I did go on a tour of Ben and Jerrys. Is it bad if that was the highlight of my trip?"
  22. "I like ice cream as much as Joe Biden does."
  23. "I didn't know guys tucked their boners into their waistbands. I thought that was just a thing in movies."
  24. "He wasn't as Jewish as his profile made him out to be."
  25. "Nobody likes a cockblock and that's what Tara is to us."
  26. "My parents won't stop asking when I'm going to get married. I'm not even dating anyone. I thought about going real 'wedding date' on them for my sister's wedding and hire an escort. Are they hard to find?"
  27. "I wonder how much a stripper on Broadway makes."
  28. "Obama is living the dream now. Because even if he was a shitty president, there's no way in hell hes more hated than the shitshow trump has going for him."
  29. "I found out I was adopted when I looked up my genealogy. Turns out I was my family's best kept secret."
  30. "He tried cumming on my face. Never again."
  31. "Um, really not into getting choked the first time I hook up with a rando. I saw my life flash before my eyes and was like shit, no one knows I'm here."
  32. "Alec Baldwin had a voice you could fall asleep to."
  33. "I peed my pants."
  34. "His text said 'u up?' With just the letter u. Fucking tinder."
  35. "He loved his dog more than he loved me."
  36. "People will stand in line for anything here. I'm sorry but fuck you if you think I'm waiting two hours to eat brunch."
  37. "But does being wine drunk count as being drunk?"
  38. "I need someone to tell me he's a fuckboy."
  39. "My wife and I still go on dates. That's the one thing that's helped our marriage."
  40. "Sometimes you just have to be a bad bitch."
  41. "Sex when you're 30 is a whole other feeling. You're laughing because you're young and too concerned with the number. But 30 is when you just want to fuck all the time and it's never felt better."
  42. "I can't tell if I find Louis C.K hot because he's a ginger or he's old."
  43. "He got mad at me for not leaving the toilet seat down so now I can't stay at his house."
  44. "I'm not in junior high. It's like ew no, I'm not trying to fuck in the back of his car. We're adults. We can go literally anywhere else."
  45. "High school seniors weren't alive when 9/11 happened. How old does that make you feel now?"
  46. "You gotta suck a dick to see if you're into that kinda thing, you know?"
  47. "Bumble makes me feel like the guys have their shit together. Tinder is just a sea of semen waiting to explode. Literally."
  48. "How do I tell my mom my boyfriend has been fake and my roommate is actually my girlfriend?"
  49. "My tire got stuck in the track and I broke my arm. I couldn't tell anyone I ate shit off my bike so I said I got mugged."
  50. "I just want to see some hunky Jesus's."
  51. "I threw up on the bartender. Not my shining moment."
  52. "Dating is like pants. You find a good fit until you wear them out and then throw them away."