THINGS I CAN'T TWEET BECAUSE A BUNCH OF MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS FOLLOW ME

  1. How drunk I am
    I don't know why I always want to do this, I just do
  2. All the various boys I'd like to bang
    They are many
  3. How hot my underwear are
    Sometimes, when your rockin a fantastic pair of panties, you just feel good about it and you want to shout it from the proverbial rooftops
  4. How I'd do pretty much anything to get in bed with Anders Holm
    No, actually I do tweet that one, about once a month
  5. How annoyed I am by a mutual friend
    You know, Christians care about crap like that. *sigh* I guess I should too...
  6. Fire selfies
  7. My thoughts/feelings about my body
    I don't care if a stranger knows, but next time I see @ connersegraves all I'll be able to think is "he's probably just thinking about my butt because of that one tweet"