GREATEST THINGS MY DAD HAS SAID TO ME, CHRONOLOGICALLY

Michael Paul Angarano. Or affectionately known as Big Mike. Born in Brooklyn, Ny. He's been compared to Tony Soprano, with the wit of a modern day Archie Bunker. He's the best man I know.
  1. "You don't have to use soap every time"
    Advice on taking quick showers in the morning.
  2. "Being brave is being scared of something and doing it anyway."
    General outlook on life. He was encouraging me to go on a roller coaster, which I did, and conquered my fear of heights.
  3. "How would you like a size 13 up your ass?"
    This is/was the standard threat for "do what I want you to do or else."
  4. "How about a little fucking racial profiling?!"
    November 2001. Airport security. We were taken out of line and checked by security three separate times. It was a bold, controversial proclamation to make, especially at that point in time, but in all fairness, it was ridiculous.
  5. "Yeah, you better walk away..... Fucking four eyes."
    A man in an airport called my mother a stupid bitch, and my dad almost killed him then and there. As the guy walked away from my dad who was immediately nose to nose with him, he suddenly reverted to the school yard. We were all shocked by "four eyes" as his insult of choice - especially because both of my sisters were wearing glasses. We all laughed hysterically the second he said it.
  6. "You might wanna pick and choose the moments where you punch a wall a little better."
    Based on a time I punched a hole in a wall because my mom put our cat in a cage.
  7. "How about I go to your house and give your father a beating."
    Screamed to a girl who cut him off in traffic.
  8. "Some people aren't meant to smoke weed."
    My dad is always the first person I tell everything to, and I smoked weed everyday from ages 16-22. I had a bad ecstasy trip and suddenly anxiety and hypochondria became a day to day reality for me. I lit up a joint and was watching Newsies (my fav) and my heart was pounding so viciously I felt like I was gonna pass out. I had a two day long anxiety attack and finally went to a doctor. I told my dad the story and without judgement, told me like it was.
  9. "How tall are you?... 5'10? (To me) See, I told you they piled shit that high."
    A go-to joke my entire life. Usually to my sister's new boyfriends.
  10. "Where ya from?... Sacramento? Jeesh. I spent a month there one night."
    His other go-to joke. Still makes me laugh every time.