1. Travel without luggage and/or a carry on.
  2. Always cut the line with the excuse that your flight is boarding RIGHT NOW.
  3. Make up lies about your already deceased grandfather to receive special care.
  4. Familiarize yourself with the alternate routes to and from both airports.
  5. Always threaten to take your business to another airline.
  6. Get pre-checked.
  7. Get drunk.
  8. Lie and say you're claustrophobic which is why you not only need an aisle seat, but you will take your business elsewhere if you can't get one.
  9. Never, under any circumstance, show up before the recommended two hours before boarding.
  10. Don't stress - you're better than that.
  11. Counterintuitive move to avoid terminal gridlock: flying in the morning? Get dropped off at the empty Arrivals level. Arriving at night? Get picked up at the empty Departures level.
    Suggested by @tothemaxxx
  12. If the check in agent says your bag is overweight, promptly empty its contents onto the floor and ask for assistance in selecting which items can go. Give special attention to underwear and other personal effects.
    Suggested by @kristopher