THINGS I'D RATHER BE INSTEAD OF HAPPY
This may be the depression talking folks, but I hate it when people tell me they want me to be happy. Fuck that.
- •At peaceOther than shooting for "happiness", which is in my opinion, fleeting, I'd rather search for peace. I want to be able to sit silently, or move about my space and reflect, pray, connect without turmoil and negativity flooding my thoughts. I have the ability to feel happiness and joy, but I can't enjoy peace. I don't feel at peace, like ever.
- •SupportedI just don't ever really feel supported. Maybe in an obligatory sense- I mean, I know the people around me root for me and I know they want me to feel successful, but I've never shared my desires (as insignificant as they may be) and really felt like someone was on my side. Sometimes I'll share a snippet and get a "yeah, you could probably do that", but never a "wow, that's great. Thanks for telling me, let's make a plan.."
- •Emotionally stableLike in a really healthy way. I'm somewhat stable, I feel a spectrum of emotions and can handle them accordingly, but for the most part, my gage is set to "meh". If somethings funny, I'll laugh, but pretty shortly after that I'm back to slightly anxious and nervous and just inexplicably sad. Not like I'm walking around crying, not at all, but.. Ugh. Don't care to explain it anymore. I just don't feel good most of the time.
- •UnderstoodThis sort of piggybacks on the "supported" point, but more specifically, I don't feel like I've ever really had a connection with someone who fully understood me or my opinions or thoughts. And it's not for lack of trying, believe me, I can articulate pretty well what emotion or thought or feeling I'm having... (Perhaps this is just something that depressed people tell themselves in order to isolate??)
- •ConfidentI mean, I'm confident. I don't think I'm ugly, or stupid or whatever. But I am NEVER confident in the decisions that I make. I'm so indecisive that I can convince myself of conflicting viewpoints simultaneously. If things don't work out, I never look outward and blame others, I pretty much just blame myself for making the wrong choice. I'm never fully confident that things will work out, or that I'm doing the best that I know how.