5 SNEAKING SUSPICIONS I JUST CAN'T SHAKE
Call me paranoid, call me crazy, but it's like no matter what I do I just can't shake these feelings!
- 1.You're all ghostsI'm the last man on earth and every single one of you is a ghostly apparition. Each one of you dead fucks want to scare me to death so I can join you in the afterlife. Not. Gonna. Happen.
- 2.You're all aliensYou guys are a bunch of dirty big-eyed aliens in skin suits. You want me as your prisoner so you can do your experiments and probe my body against my will. Get away from me, you sick fucks.
- 3.There's a monster under my bedA reptile monster with glowing yellow eyes is waiting under my bed to drag me down into the underworld. Everyday, I leap in and out of my bed from about four feet away just so it can't snatch me up.
- 4.My life is the Truman Show and you're all watchingMy life is a highly-elaborate reality show with strategically-placed hidden cameras and you all watch it. My every move is documented, everyone around me is an actor, the most exciting moments happen during sweeps week, and it's all directed by Ed Harris.
- 5.A bomb is going to hit Los AngelesAsshole dictator Kim Jong-un is going to push the goddamn button and shoot off a rocket straight to LA. Hold onto your butts 'cause a nuclear blast is gonna blow your little tum tum out of your b-hole.