BIRTHDAYS I'VE CRIED ON

In fairness, this list is also "New Year's Eves I've Cried On" so cut me some slack
  1. Actual day of birth
    This one was expected and I guess it would have been disconcerting if I hadn't cried that day. Everyone was happy I had lungs and a mouth and eyes!
  2. First
    I think I probably cried every day (just a little) for the first three years of my life? I think that's normal?
  3. Second
    This is fine
  4. Third
    Just way too much excitement
  5. Fourth
    This was the changing of the millennium and that was overwhelming for many other reasons and I think that could be a list in and of itself. Also my mom was very very very pregnant and I didn't like that people were paying more attention to a fat belly than to me, the birthday girl
  6. Fifth
    Too many people in the moon-bounce
  7. Sixth
    Existential crisis re: being the same age as Eloise but not yet living in The Plaza or owning a turtle named Skipperdee!
  8. Seventh
    It was an under-the-sea themed party and some cunt got to be "mermaid" in charades when clearly that should have been ME! I was "kelp" or something
  9. Eighth
    Realized the NYE fireworks were for NYE, not for me
  10. Ninth
    Lost a tooth and it really hurt
  11. Tenth
    Existential crisis re: never getting to be a single-digit numbered age again!! The thought hadn't crossed my mind until the day of and I felt like life was slipping by TOO FAST
  12. Eleventh
    Lame losers left my sleepover party early because they were too COWARDLY to spend the night
  13. Thirteenth
    Whoa! No tears for 12! That's because it was actually a pleasant day in New York with my cousins and I went to Dylan's Candy Bar and ate a lot of chocolate. Great day. But 13? Fuck no. I SOBBED. Why? Because of 7th grade in general and feeling like I wasn't being taken seriously as an adult (perhaps because I wasn't). Also I spent three hours at the post office getting my passport renewed!!
  14. Fourteenth
    Melancholy. And expectations were too high
  15. Sixteenth
    Wow! Skipped 15! I think 15 was still a pretty upsetting day I just worked really hard to remain composed. But 16... Oh did I cry... I think the cause was just general self-hatred and loneliness (everyone's out of town for winter break birthdays FYI (but also true loneliness)). They were gonna let a loser like me DRIVE and what did I have to show for it???
  16. Eighteenth
    Had to work on all my college applications which were due the next day. Hated being technically an adult.
  17. Nineteenth
    Jet lag. Parents forgot entirely. Too hot. Everything was closed and my family made zero dinner plans or plans for any activity whatsoever. No wifi. Existential crisis re: everything that ever happened in the world? More self-hatred and loneliness!!
  18. Twentieth
    Hasn't happened yet but judging by all past experience we can safely agree the tears will start falling any second now. My guess is it starts when my parents fail to get me the light-up sneakers I requested.