THE BRATTIEST THINGS YOU'VE EVER DONE
My laptop dashboard's dictionary defines "brat" as "noun, derogatory. a child, typically a badly behaved one." Well here's an ever-growing list written by the girl who has the email alias firstname.lastname@example.org herself:
- •Insisted on not wearing clothes (except a diaper and jelly sandals) to preschool because I loved the attention (age 2)Still a pretty stylish choice
- •Insisted no one was allowed to clap or cheer after singing Happy Birthday to me at my third birthday party because I hated the attention (age 3)If anything I was just being modest, this is anti-brattiness
- •Sat in my stroller at the zoo, wearing a large sunhat and big sunglasses, and silently pointed to where I wanted to go, despite being entirely verbal (age 3)In retrospect this was the coolest I'll ever be.
- •Seconds after meeting my newborn baby brother, I shouted at my mom "WHY didn't the doctor give me a SISTER like I asked for?" (age 4)Then proceeded to call him Amanda and Samantha (alternating) until he was about 6 months old
- •Told my grandma that my mom beat me regularly (she never did) (age 5)What an impressive power play
- •Sent my parents a LOT of hate mail and explicit death threats, all fantastically phonetically misspelled, mostly because they made me stop watching TV (ages 3-7)Highlights include "u r a ugly aliean," "i am not your real dotter," and "i hat you."
- •Woke my 4-year-old brother up in the middle of the night just to tell him Santa wasn't real (age 8)Thankfully he didn't believe me, but I tried to be really pushy and persuasive
- •Quit Brownies in a rather dramatic way (3rd grade)Everyone got a canvas and we were supposed to paint something we loved and everyone painted rainbows and bunnies and hearts and I painted the whole canvas black and announced I was quitting. I think I was just ahead of my time. Some mom called me "a force of existential negativity and dread"
- •I threw an absurd number of tantrums in sixth grade because I didn't have $150 Free City sweatpants and those were the only social capital in sixth grade and I think I made my parents really want to return meI still never had a pair of these magic soft pants and I'll always be bitter about it. (If anyone's thinking of getting me some I want the red ones I think the color is called indian wine rose or something stupid like that)
- •Ripped the wrapping paper off a girl's locker after her birthday because I felt she had wronged me somehow (6th grade)This one was just mean... We're friends now!
- •Just generally blackmailed a lot of people into getting my way? (6th-12th grade, college too)
- •Expected to never lift a finger to do anything, reclined in my bed all day waiting for suitors to bring me gifts (whole life)
- •Created a Facebook event and insisted people come look at me and praise me while I checked in to my Southwest flight in the midst of finals week (age 19)Reaped the attention from this one for several days, and I'll do it again